Cute has a season too.

I got this pic in an eMail today. I imagine about a week or so ago, this picture was cute as hell.

Let's get some bobJuan stuff on the table.

I'm gonna start honoring folks I know (of) who died as we go along. I've seen a bunch of death lately, and I've posted some here and there. Here's a few more:

Dorris Moore. The mother of my good friends Kevin, Ken and Don.
Ronald Earley. Friend of my friend Susan.
Jonathan. Nephew of my friend Susan
Van Washington. Husband of my friend Liz.

I give each of you my very best love and attention right now. You can come sit with me in the big chair, anytime.

OK, .next. I want to remind you one more time of my new favorite poet here. Check her out.

I just found out what soup to nuts really means here. It's way more fun saying it without really knowing what it means. Like cussing in spanish.

What would we do without birds?

I always feel good after
I feel bad
or is it before?

I don't care how everywhere it is
when my mom dies,
the world stops.

Whatever you think you're gonna die from
you won't be ready then either.

I'm on a death-roll I guess. Probably because I still have a bad case of gout in my left big-toe-foot and my Dr. says my liver-numbers are off the charts. I sure hope it's not too late for moderation!

I was thinking about a picture of my boy Eli I saw today, and realized, that kid can pull pleasure out of thin air! I love my boy.

That's it for this time. You know your bobJuan loves you.

Sunday Morning Recap

I've coded my way out of
more than one paper bag.

If you want to relax,
first things first
quit thinking you need to do anything.

Every macro is just
another micro.

There are moments when
I would trade my life for my cat's
I'm having one now.
She's on the move,
like it was the very first time.
There's never anything wrong in her world.

Here it is,
love it or not.

To be human,
how nice.

A couple for my girl.

I run around 24 X 7
In and out of my mind
I look left & right
I do the 10 thousand things
and sometimes more.
Recently my doings have
settled down, way down
a little this and a little that
seems enough.
as long as I don't have to be
moderate about you.

What good is:
solution without problem
ocean w/o land
sky w/o cloud
taste w/o tongue
shade w/o sun
sound w/o ear
chicken w/o egg
nite w/o sleep
mother w/o child
nite w/o day
straight w/o curve
up w/o down
normal w/o crazy
purr w/o cat
pea w/o carrot
paper w/o ink
big w/o small
ice w/o water
or me w/o you.

[Picture found here.]

Wonderful

you don't have to wait, if you're not going anywhere.

each time i see her walking to school i want to matriculate

don't ever pass up a chance to say something nice.

are you ready for the tap of death? the intimacy of dying time? por que no?

What the hell are flying colors? They told me I passed with them.

If the place isn't any good, it's not from a lack of investigation.

[Image found here.]

Chat Done.

A little more clarity on my own clinical case. Really, I'm done with the buzz-kill posts! If you want more, you're gonna have to beg!

Depression For Me,

For me, I liked chemical imbalance
and a quick fix please and thank you.
I know, no booze with that, like everything else, no booze!

For me, I didn't want my life this way
Certainly I am more special than this.
The onslaught of injustices I must endure!

For me, I couldn't imagine being responsible for my happiness
Cute cliche and affirmation, be happy!
I am the president of Victims Are Us

For me, being unhappy is easy
I got the inside scoop on how bad everything is
I can show you what's wrong in a minute, every one of them.

For me, depression is selfishness
Things aren't good enough for me
I know better

For me, I'm exhausted
I've turned my nose up on God's creation for
the last time.

[Image found here.]

Depression

I have been all over and under board with depression during the last 20 years or so. My wife, the most beautiful Catalina, could tell you way more than you want to know about my naked, sheetless dark nites. My Dr. used to call me an enema, no wait, an enigma. I have a young friend who deals with our subject matter on occasion. We're writing about it, he and I. During the last 10 years or so, I came to the conclusion that mine is brought about by a broken soul. I'm not living the life I really want to live. My soul is correcting me.... The correction is the depression, it is a call on the red-line, straight from my soul, screaming that shit is not working!!!#$!#$!@#! For me the pills were a way to ignore/medicate my soul, like Black Velvet and that slow southern smile. My soul would not have it. I have a very strong soul. We won't talk about how strong my mind or breath is. Anyway, depression is very personal, and the only productive time to talk about it, is when it is not in the room. Below is a poem I wrote over the past few nites, nudged on by my young friend, and my old friend Depression. Hey, not every post is a blast!

The sword makes one cut
one diamond edge
for days and weeks
it bleeds like two
blood is blade's work
creating this frozen moment
suffocating proof
of loves denial
Rejoice, your soul has removed the gold sword
of depression from its stainless sheath
and taken blue aim at your brown bullshit
one more time
Again I say rejoice and welcome your truth
lay naked and know you will breath again
when this cutting work is finished

[Pic found here.]

Hairs Cut

I'm not gonna say anything else about it.

Well, maybe this.

Tonite's Love.

Found some new favorite poetry here.

life:
is precious,
it's sooooo, not about me.

My face seems to be carrying more of my weight lately.

If you don't get that moms are moms
then never mind.
step moms, grandmas, all moms.

I'm not in a hurry,
I'm in love.
My understanding has led to my enjoying.

Many of us recognize the beginning of the end, on occasion.
Some of us have even seen the end of the beginning.

She took one look at his body and immediately became undry. He undried her.

Don't let her clothes fool you
she's fashionable thru and thru.

It's going to be a long day.bobJuan. June 21st, AnyYear, Cape Lisburne, Alaska.

Depression, my tortured soul music
like a sprout pushing through rocks for sun
a butterfly breaking free for flight
chick from egg for some scratch and sniff
yes i am this, not only, this am i yes
any partial attempt is fatal
you love it all or you don't love at all
my soul keeps reminding me
what I really want
it's so simple i can't believe it.
it must be more, it must be hard to attain
the way.
nope, just love bobJuan
bravery for the lovery is all it takesery.

A couple for my girl.

Before I begin another,
you my daylong poem
first and last
where I go for the goodstuff
everytime
how much rest for me
in your everything.

Lots to cover,
first things first, you and me, my sweetest poem.
[Picture found here.]

Red Checkered Table Cloth

Florence and old friends
one recently and dearly departed
we fancy this was his idea
many gold threads weave this quilt
every untrue erased
all cups topped off
finishing and starting all over the place
the memory magicians thaw the
frozen stories of Then
Like 35 years just didn't exactly happen
not all have been cold and on hold however
Sons & Brothers stand before us
straight up
reminding us of our turn
love bleeding out loud
oh my father, how I loved you
how much we had
how much we didn't
Their mother, our mom
more beautiful and gracious than
any memory of any woman ever
All days long holding everyone up
Her all nights lasting all nights.
our tears
This shared taste of loss
sweetest pain we know
like cognac surrounded in bitter chocolate
we find our communal love inside, and it soothes
it warms enough, we can smile
The sons now our brothers
their wives sisters and
daughters our little girls
As for my two best friends
where do we go from here
now that there's a new bulb in the love light
I feel 1972 running through my blood
got my tight jeans on and ready to fry some tacos.
I'm ready to show others how too.

[Pic stolen from here.]

Old Pew

I'm still flushing some goody out from the weekend in Colorado. On my way home Sunday (Easter Sunday) I was fortunate enough to be in and around the old places around Easter Service Time. I stopped in the church. Wrote this later in the day.

I sat in the back
old pew
the Baptist Hymnals are gone
organ too
never mind what they do there now, or how
I had my arms around us all
both of um, left and right
40 years later
I wanted to sit in every one
like we used to
in memory of us.

[Pic stolen from here.]

Breakfast Then & Now

Eric Miller, your bobJuan, and William Andrew Hornbaker Junior. In case you didn't know, Andy is the namesake of my second most favorite daughter.

I'm not even gonna get started on all of this 2nite. Let's just say these two guys are the magical memory makers of the last days and years of the 60s. There's a saying, If you remember the 60s, you weren't there. That may be true for many, but these two guys were there. I remember at least that much, and they remember everything else.

We picked up right where we left off so many years ago. Right at the junction between boy and man. In this picture, you can see the tip of the iceberg of 3 long awaited smiles.

Another chance to see how then makes now so damn good.

Happy Easter

I'm on my way to Colorado to celebrate the life of a life-long friend, Howard Glen. I'll bring back some pictures and stories.

My best, your bobJuan.

Daily Purge

Here's a funny I got from my friend Malcom yesterday:

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What's your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing!" How old are you?"
"Thirty-four" she replied.

Now a couple from your bobJuan.

My goodness,
you look good
going & coming.

One of the problems with a haircut is
it doesn't keep.
Like a perm, every few months you need another.

Ask yourself what you want, until you know,
then go get it.
don't keep doing what you don't want to do,
that's clearly not the way.

Are you going to keep pretending this is not it?

Step into the now.

The sweetest thing I can do
is not think.
Funnest too.

No one thinks like I do
or as much probably
most have better things to do

than stew.

It's right now isn't it?
this
No sense looking elsewhere,
foolishness defined and repeated
My goodness, I love this
simple now, keep up.

All for now, my best, your bobJuan.

There is room on my chair.

I have been talking to the dead and almost dead lately. I am on a mission to give them a place to come and rest. It started with Rachel last week. She has been dead for 2 weeks now. I imagine her visiting her loved ones and not finding a place where it is quiet, where people are still, and calm. So many of us have the TV on. So many of us do not ever sit quiet. I bet she could use a break.

you can sit here with me, come on
we can be quiet together, come on
help me remember what we are all doing here
you can sit here with me
i am brave enough to sit here with you
if you want to, i'll sit with you
i will do my best to sit quietly with you
we'll rest together
it's funny, i'm trying to squeeze you into this chair with me. i keep moving over
if you need a place to rest, i'm here

Last nite I was talking to Howard, who is not yet dead, they say he is close. I was telling him it is OK to let go, to die; he could come and sit with me for a spell. I was coaxing him to die already. Let it go Howard, everyone is ready. Your body is done. Come on over here and rest with me, away from the pain. I hope he can hear me across the miles to Colorado.

For both of them I imagine I can offer some peace for a minute or so, at least, maybe more if I work at it. I can sit with you right here, quietly, and let you be who you are outside all of this. I sit in my big chair. There is room for two in the big tan chair with the wooby on it. I move as far over to the left as I can, to give you room. This chair is my power spot; I sit here in the mornings and read, and am quiet most days. There is love in the silence. We can love everything together from here, all of it. On this side we can smile at the whole story.

Last nite I knew I could do this. I practice quiet. This afternoon I took a break on my porch and practiced nothing for a few minutes. It takes practice. It takes a lot of effort to do nothing, courage and love. I thought of Rachel, Howard, and my love for them. I can be at peace; I do it every day, better and better. I practice peace and want to share it with those who could use a bunch of it. I practice peace and love for all of us.

I do not know anything about where we go after we die. I do not really care about the details. It seems unknowable. I do sense that we are more than our bodies and this life. Rachel, Steve, Grandma, Aunt Mary, Doug, Julia, Michelle, they all feel real to me still. How real do they have to be, really, what is life?

I know my feelings are enough. You can all sit with me anytime. We are so precious here in the big chair together.

Around the time of death there is so much energy to be shared and felt. Last week I visited the gravesite of Michelle. She has been gone for years now. I did not find her there as I used to. She has moved on. The Tibetans describe a period after death, is it 7 or 14 days or so? There are energetic possibilities during this time they say. I want to be a part of that for everyone I know and love. If you should get there before me, you can find me in my chair, most nites and mornings, waiting for you. I'll be looking for you, eyes wide open, brave as a lion.

p.s. Howard died last nite.

[Image stolen from here.]

Pointlessness

First, some bobJuan blubber.

They can easily sense where his truth lies (you know how truth lies).

It seems like I'm wasting a lot of time lately, reading and writing. But truth is, I've been preparing for this a long time.

Smile until you get it right.

Oh, I see the pointlessness of it all now.
Each time I forget how pointless it all is, I get lost.
Once pointlessness is fully realized, you can love recklessly,
let it off the leash!
What you want is great by me, let's do it.

My goodness, I just assumed you were taken.

You can think better, you know you can.

I'm more interested in what's going on outside of my mind these days. I think I already thought everything I'm going to anyway, it seems like I'm repeating myself.
I can sense that if I just took the universe as it is, without processing it like I always do, I might explode, realizing that I am it.

Now a little short story:

Some of you already know I swore off going to the doctor a couple of years ago. It happened after I spent more than an hour on the phone with my Dr.s Office, Walgreens and my Insurance company trying to get a prescription for lipitor or something. I was like, it just shouldn't be so hard for me to get the drug my Dr. wants me to have. About that time I was also constantly being reminded of my blood pressure, my weight, BMI, blood sugar, all these numbers of mine were not in the good zone, am i these numbers? So many obsessions. I just quit. I hearkened back to a time when we didn't have all this; we died at a ripe old age of 40 or 50 or 60 or even 70 years of whatever was ailing us and our age. What's so damn wrong with that? There is no shame in dying the old fashion way, people have been doing it for a long long long time.

So, this week I have an annoying case of gout going on in my big toe. I've been trying the natural remedies, eating lots of the right fruits, etc. I aint gonna quit drinking coffee in the morning and booze at nite, at least not yet. Yesterday it was getting pretty bad so I decided to get some of the medicine my Dr. used to prescribe, indomethacin. I called my old Dr, cuz he's quick with the script. His nurse calls me back and says, Bob, where you been? We haven't seen you since 19,2007? What are you doing out there? You trying to make it on your own, without us? I pictured them thinking I was some rogue human who dared to turn his back on their profession, the way, risking my own demise, like some village idiot.

From some real people:

If it's not paradoxical, it's not true. Shunryu Suzuki.

[Image stolen from here.]