bobJuan's Blog

Nothing's Wrong Again

2010-12-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

This is the 100th night in a row that Clarise has stepped out of her world and into her bath. She's having a bit of a celebration. One hundred and one days ago this was not possible since she had not yet realized what was wrong with her until that fateful, and wondrous day when she did realize what was wrong with her. It was quite a shock. But since that wondrous day when she did have that realization about what was wrong, things have been really really good. And a big part of that goodness is a bit of time in the bath each night. She undresses in her most elegant bath attire, makes some bubbles, and slips into the warm water. She then starts to tell herself everything that is wonderful in her life, everything that is right. Because about 100 days ago today, she figured out there was nothing wrong with her life!

Pic found here: http://artodyssey1.blogspot.com/search/label/Vitaly%20Ermolaev

October Wrap

2010-10-31T06:10:00.003-07:00

Best October ever. It's been sweet here in the Sonoran Desert since the big heat let up. It happened over night. Cathy and I got 8 nights and days along the Blue River again this year. We stayed in the cabin at the Blue River Wilderness Retreat. We were fortunate to met Don and Jane, the owners of this little part of paradise. You should book some time there, if you're into peace and quiet and beauty and rest and stuff like that. According to Don, we were there during the peak of this year's fall color show. Just doing a little aren't we special type braggin right there.

While we were there my buddy kevJuan came up for a couple days. We climbed Escudilla, Az's 3rd highest peak. We put some of our favorite pics here.
And videos here, here and here.

The desert hiking season is here. I'll be posting pics during the year here. Today we're heading back over to the McDowells to do a loop hike with kevJuan and Jeannie Moore. I sprang my ankle 6 weeks ago. Finally, yesterday I was back on Camelback. Left most of my problems on that hill again yesterday. What they say about it taking longer to heal (for us old guys) is a truality.

Coming up this month (actually this week) we got Andy Junior coming for 5 nites. He and I are scheduled to hike West Clear Creek on Friday, then maybe do a couple days around Young Arizona late next weekend. They'll be more to come.

Alright, let's get this started:

The whole we/them thing ends with me.

I keep telling Cathy it's not a disorder, it's a syndrome, maybe even just a condition.

Sometimes my wanting things to be different gets out of control.

This is the moment you are waiting for.

If you can't be happy with the money you have, why would you want more?

The insanity of "this is not it"
are you kidding me? this is not it?

And now from some real people:

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone. --Henry David Thoreau

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

The Unteller:
It instantly gets a lot better when you quit thinking how it's supposed to be.

Why are you not tickled by what's going on? by now, you should know better.

Why do you care where you are going when you don't even know where you are?

Rumi:

There is a way between voice and presence
where information flows.
In disciplined silence it opens.
With wandering talk it closes.

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. Someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
Let the lover be.

We have a huge barrel of wine, but no cups.
That's fine with us. Every morning
we glow and in the evening we glow again.
They say there's no future for us. They're right.
Which is fine with us.

Tao Te Ching - Stephen Mitchell.

If you realize that you have enough,
you are truly rich.

The great way is easy,
yet people prefer the side paths.
Be aware when things are out of balance.
Stay centered within the Tao.

The Master's power is like this.
He lets all things come and go
effortlessly, without desire.
He never expects results;
thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed;
thus his spirit never grows old.

Issa:

Cricket!
Although it was next door you
sang-
I heard you here.

There's a cool breeze!
Now, Grasshoppers, sing,
Sing with all your might!

Red dragon-fly -
He's one too that likes the evening,
Or so it seems.

That's it for this month. All my best.
your bobJuan.

July Wrap

2010-07-31T13:36:00.009-07:00

We had a fantastic July this year. Cathy and I spent about 10 days in southern California visiting some great friends. My girls turned 35 years gorgeous! I put some of our favorite pics from the month here.

Here's what I got for the month:

This whole pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain thing really keeps me busy.

Don't let her wardrobe fool you, she's hip, thru and thru.

This morning while laying in bed I realized that anything more than a face full is a waste.

Every thought I have
Every sound I hear
Happiness, streaming @ me
1,000 miles per hour!

I go down a lot quicker than I get up.

There is no baseline.

And now from some real people:

A Zen student approached his teacher. "I have a problem," he said. "I would like to start a business, but unfortunately, I don't have any money. What shall I do?". "That's simple," said the Zen master. "Why don't you stop thinking about starting a business?". Dainin Katagiri from You Have To Say Something.

Unless we are willing to give up our attachments, we cannot appreciate the priceless jewel of our true nature. Introduction to the Blue Cliff Record.

I've been reading Huston Smith's The World's Religions. Here's some goody I got from there:

Finally my brethren, for well-conducted people life presents no problems (p. 177)

Only those are worthy to govern who would rather be excused. (p. 178)
H.G. Wells once said that God and sex were the only two things that really interested him. (p. 141).

Nirvana: Etymologically it means "to blow out," or "to extinguish," not transitively, but as a fire ceases to draw. Deprived of fuel, the fire goes out, and this is nirvana. Nirvana is the highest destiny of the human spirit and its literal meaning is extinction, but we must be precise as to what is to be extinguished. It is the boundaries of the finite self. It does not follow that what is left will be nothing. Negatively, nirvana is the state in which the faggots of private desire had been completely consumed and everything that restricts the boundless life has died.

That's it for this month.
My best,
your bobJuan.

June Wrap...

2010-07-03T16:37:00.005-07:00

We got some mountain time in this month. Cathy stayed @ her dad's mountain home in Pinetop for almost 3 weeks. I got up there two weekends in a row. We were able to spend some time in and around Alpine and another new hike around Poll Knoll near Greer with our friend the kevJuan. I'm glad she's back, we were almost out of clean dishes. Life keeps giving us exactly what we need in harmoniously glorious and sweet proportions!

Here's what I got for June.

As long as there is still something to do, boy oh boy.

This whole wanting thing, what a doozey.

Perfection awaits my presence

endlessly......

If it weren't for women or TV

when was the last time I showered?

Would I be wearing these clothes?

That's one pot

this kettle is not gonna call black.

I gave my personality the day off.

This is the situation I've been looking for.

I've said NO enough, long enough.

Repeat after me. Happiness is not circumstantial.

How much vanity is involved in thinking

THIS is not it.

So, we had a falling out

let's have a falling in.

My day is really simple when I ask myself what it is I really want.

The good life is not having enough money so I can quit participating.

I've seen where that goes.

Give me the ball coach, put me in!

I'm not going to rush this, it's taken me my entire life to get here.

I am responsible for how interesting my life is.

If you want peace, accept your life without conditions.

How can buying something be described as saving money?

It doesn't matter how many chances you get really. It's this one that matters.

And now from some real people:

One, seven, three, five.

The truth you search for cannot be grasped.

As night advances, a bright moon

illuminates the whole ocean;

The dragon's jewels are found in every wave.

Looking for the moon, it is here,

in this wave, in the next. - The Blue Cliff Record.

I did not want to live what was not life. Living is so dear. Henry David Thoreau

The mountain isn't going to climb itself. Bobby Royal. June 28th, 2010.

How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened. --Thomas Jefferson

Inside the Great Mystery that is, we don't really own anything. What is this competition we feel then, before we go, one at a time, through the same gate? Rumi.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. Lily Tomlin

They say that every snowflake is different. If that were true, how could the world go on? How could we ever get up off our knees? How could we ever recover from the wonder of it? Jeanette Winterson

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. Robin Williams

Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing it. Elaine St. James

There is not any memory with less satisfaction in it than the memory of some temptation we resisted. James Branch Cabell

That's it for this time.

My best, your bobJuan.

Dave Sabino, Where are you?

2010-06-03T06:01:00.002-07:00

I sure would like to find my friend Dave Sabino.

May Wrap

2010-05-30T08:31:00.006-07:00

I got so many great pics in May. But, here's the one we're going with. Aaryn. You are a beauty. I am looking forward to the day we can talk! I want to know what you're thinking about.

It's been a beautiful month for us here in Phoenix. Lots of time on the Mountain. We celebrated the Droll family birthday in Rocky Point. My life keeps getting better and better. Oh my. Here's what I got for this month:

I just figured it out, we are 100% compatible.

I can really relax when I let go of my version of how things are supposed to be.

it's the love of this. love has no opposite. it includes everything.

Everything = What I love about you.

We can only do so much but man, oh man, let's go ahead and do it.

the generation that said how it's supposed to be is being replaced by the generation that says how it is.

one thing about the dead
they remind us to live.
every single one of them
told me the same thing.

when was the last time you liked everything?

to love everything
it helps to still the mind.

my personality really has a hold on me.

there might be more to discuss
but there's nothing more to do.

i don't get the point of a shot glass.

more often than not, my take on the situation is wrong.

I can dig myself in deeper and deeper by the minute.

if you feel any tension, let it go. don't believe it. all tension begins in the mind where stories are told.

Once again, I'm convinced, this is Angel's last life in the animal kingdom. you're almost here baby!

isn't it called too much, once you get beyond enough?

karma = your next thought or action = karma

there's variety in every bite of that cat food.

i've been trying to get out of it for years, now, i'm doing my best to get into it.

At the liquor store tonite, on my way home, picking up a 5th of Black Velvet. My guy behind the counter responds to my question about how things are going, saying things are going great. I got a good job, I got nothing to complain about. I said, I know, I got a great job too, a wife that loves me, money in my pocket, things are wonderful. I just need something to wash it all down with every now and again.

you don't become different by staying the same

we behave like we must live at all costs this will certainly be our end.

you don't get better by pressing the snooze button

some folks celebrate a government contract, easy big money there are others who complain about government waste and taxes just leave my slice alone will ya? it takes all of us to make this world go 'round.

i'm doing remarkably well considering i hardly do anything i'm supposed to

So, you think things should be going a certain way. How's that working for ya?

And one from a real person:

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand. Woodrow T. Wilson

That's it for this time. My best, your bobJuan.

April Wrap

2010-05-01T05:06:00.006-07:00

My goodness, a lot of good stuff went down in April. Let's get started. In the picture this month we have Isolde Jones (ZoZo). Our neighbor since we've been at this place. She turned 95 on the 10th of April. An inspiration to all. A lovely, kind lady. In this picture, she's sitting on the right, next to my girl.

Eli and Amber returned from their South America adventure. They should be moving back into their house in Portland today. I love me some Eli and Amber every chance I get.

Here's the goodies I've been tracking this month:

Imagine yourself trouble free.

A flower is not the same thing after you pick it.

The next time you have a problem with me, let's remember who has a problem.

Nothing is going to change, until you do.

You're not going to be able to drink all day, if you don't get started first thing in the morning.

Can't we just agree, EVERYTHING we say to each other is the most important thing.

Coming down the mountain this morning I realized how everything, absolutely everything is as hard as I want to make it, especially being happy.

I'm pretty sure when we move from here it will be to a place where we can see way more stars at night right from our own porch, except for cloudy nites.

She came to the realization her entire life had been one big side affect.

That whole tomorrow thing sure is a doozey.

One thing about the dead

they remind us to live.

Every single one of them

told me the same thing.

I guess I must have been about 40 the last time. I'd like to think it wasn't that long ago. Today, when the computer asked the clerk if the customer looked under 40, she did not hesitate to press the NO button. She also had no interest in checking me "out" if you know what I mean. I'm never going to be carded or checked-out again. There's more. This morning I was happy to read about a study that suggested being 10 to 15 pounds overweight was a good thing. I only need to lose 10 to 15 pounds to be 10 to 15 pounds overweight! There's more. I saw the Chinese (or some country) was recommending sex to their people because it helps the cardio-vascular system. As bad as my memory is, I do remember when sex was a work out. I also remember having sex after dark under the covers in the love tent, or was it a fort? There's more.

And now from some real people:

It's kind of nice getting up early, you go the whole day to do stuff. Amber royal. April 19th, 2010. 10:00AM.

I think of meditation as the act of showing up for your life, the one you actually have, now. John Tarrant.

That's it for this time.

My best, your bobJuan.

March Wrap

2010-04-02T02:21:00.005-07:00

This picture was taken by our friend Lucky while we were visiting the Boyce Thompson Arboretum a couple weeks ago. I like it because it captures some of the beauty of the place and of course, the most beautiful thing in my life, my girl Cathy. And look, she can almost get her arm around my gut!

In March I celebrated my second anniversary as a non-smoker. I highly recommend it as a lifestyle change. I also had my 55th birthday. The best year of my life so far.

Here's what I've been thinking about this month:

He's got the whole world in his hands. Is there a problem?

I may (be) getting old, but you'll never seen me this young again.

It's amazing to me that as a country, we are not interested first, in taking care of each other, no matter what the cost. I'm just sayin.

How can you hear the voice of God if you don't shut up?

they say the fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree. I feel like I did.

it's impossible to make a dog stop loving you.

don't' ever take a salary so high it would compromise your willingness to leave a place.

When I lost all fear of death I became free and brave, and could go about the things that mattered.

If you're just gonna vote the ticket, why spend your time watching TV? The daily divider. Why not get out and find some things to be happy about. It's not like watching TV actually changes anything, well, except your blood pressure maybe, certainly not your mind. Do you really need a daily reminder of how right you are, and how wrong others are, while not actually doing anything? I'm just sayin. how's that working for us?

I became free and fearless when I realized the complete, utter love of God. Like I can do better than that. Thankfully, it has nothing to do with me. I remember when they used to call it "The Good News". They weren't kidding. I'm a child of The King! What can I do for you, all my stuff is already taken care of.

in the end, it will boil down to how well can you enjoy the day. start practicing.

we're so easily incensed these days. outraged even. a sad parade of victims. isn't it clear this way of doing things isn't working?

i can only take so much reality

I get in trouble and lose my way whenever I start to think my life should be different.

My Dr. wrote me a script for Viagra. He called it in. I went to the drive thru at Walgreen's and they sent the package thru that air-compressed delivery system thing. I opened it, there were 7 pills in there. I exclaimed to the pharmacist, a year's supply! She professionally laughed a little. I still am.

And from some real people:

The loudest sound on the earth, she thought, is a man with nothing to do. Kingsolver.

Imagination has to be completely exhausted before a person can realise the Truth. Meher Baba. Vol I. P. 53

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. --C. S. Lewis

That's it for this time. My best, your bobJuan.

February Wrap

2010-02-28T14:30:00.005-07:00

A big month. Much company. Move loved ones. Too many pics for the blog. I posted some of my favorites over on my Picasa Page here.

Eli & Amber, Moms & Dads, Best of Friends, mountains. I won't bore you with my diary. Having Eric and Andy (my high-school buddies) here for a long weekend in Rocky Point was a long planned reunion and blessed me big. Eli and Amber stopped through on their way to South America for a 3 month blast. Mom & Dad came up to help Andy and Ryan make it official. On and On. We got a couple of weeks before more company, resting up, and getting ready.

Here's what I've been collecting this month:

Everytime I get happy, I remember how easy it is.

How can you hear the voice of God, unless you shut up. Or turn the TV off.

I woke up in the middle of the night wondering what God was doing before he created the heavens and the earth? I mean 6 days before he created Adam and Eve, what was he up to? Must have been lonely. I wonder if he has any regrets, we've become such an ungrateful bunch.

nothing is happening to me. period.

dominion <> cruel: Genesis 1:26

Everytime I start to think outside of the box, I get in trouble.

Of course I'll sleep with you.

You're in your 50s now, you should know why and what you're doing.

Since when did sitting on your couch, watching TV, having a strong opinion and voting the ticket become the definition of a patriot?

money: you can spend it on yourself or others. I say mix it up.

If it was God's will that George Bush was our president, how can it not be God's will that Barrack Obama is our president?

What is all this obsession with a nest egg? What does a nest egg have to do with a human being? It's like drinking cow's milk.

Have you ever seen the future? No, you haven't. It doesn't exist. What are you worrying about?

This morning I wanted some breakfast cooked by a Mexican. Fortunately, in this town, I can have that just about everywhere.

It's a creative writing class, not English 101.

And from some real people:

The goal of many leaders is to get people to think more highly of the leader. The goal of a great leader is to help people to think more highly of themselves. J. Carla Nortucutt.

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word! Andrew Jackson.

My friend kevJuan shared this story with me on a hike recently. He told it in the context of how we (Americans) think everyone should live the way we do. I found a version of it on the internets.

A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey that the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on the precarious limb of a tree, reached down and snatched the fist from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on the dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement, but soon settled into a peaceful rest. An eastern parable.

That's it for this month. my best, your bobJuan.

Pic taken of old town, Puerto Penasco (Rocky Point).

January Wrap

2010-01-31T08:47:00.003-07:00

Don't have much for the wrap this month. Been on the mountain a few times, once with both my girls. I don't need to say anything else about how good my life is.

Here's what I got:

When you're carrying your laptop, carry your laptop.

Another bathwater poem:

Make sure you know where the damn baby is

before you start doing anything with that bathwater.

I'm a citizen of the planet, first.

Everyone is doing at least one thing, that someone else thinks is wrong.

I told you not much. Here's some from some real people:

When you are at sea, keep clear of the land. Publilus Syrus.

The biggest, most unquestioned answer of our culture is our relationship with money. It is there that we keep alive -- at a high cost -- the flame and mythology of scarcity. Lynn Twist.

You can't hammer a nail over the Internet. Alan Binder.

That's it for this time.

my best, your bobJuan.

She knew someday she'd have to say "I told you so".

2010-01-23T07:16:00.003-07:00

Once again Notso Hung leased the apartment to folks who were troubled. It wouldn't be so bad if he had any balls at all and would lay the smack down on the wayward ones. But Notso Hung is a pussy. Like his parents Unwell Hung and Shi SumWimp before him, he avoids all confrontation. His parents were raised during the final years of the NoCan Do Dynasty. Notso was a dud at birth.

Now he has Himso Dum and his son Sumyung Guy living next door completely out of control. Himso's wife, Shiso Dun left with her lover Himwell Hung two weeks ago. It was then that Notso's wife told him to kick Himso Dum out since it was just going to spiral out of control with no woman in charge. Of course Notso knew she was right, she was always right, and she knew he wouldn't do anything about it, he never did anything about it. Notso also knew it wouldn't be long before he'd hear how right she was again. He was glad she was in charge anyway.

This morning when Shiso Dun snuck into the apartment to steal her baby Sumyung, she found her little sister Shiso Yum in bed with Himso Dum. Gi Sus, you should have heard the racket. It was so bad Notso called the police; a rare display of courage. Himso tried to escape through the window with Sumyung. Fortunately the swat team was there to catch the little boy while Shiso Dun grabbed Himso Dum by his hair and dragged him back into the apartment.

Later they all thanked the brave swat officer MiLong Wong, for he saved SumYung Guy just as he was coming out the window. MiLong stayed around and encouraged Notso Hung to give the eviction notice. He was there too, to get another glimpse of Shiso Yum who was still undressed. Notso told Himso he was terminating the lease. When Himso asked why, Notsu turned to his wife and said, because Shi Sayso.

Picture found here:

Just Who Do You Think You Are?

2010-01-07T06:05:00.002-07:00

This morning I finished reading The Wisdom Of Insecurity by Alan W. Watts for probably the 5th time. Amazon says I purchased the book in 2003. Hmmmm. I've read most of his other books too.

He deals with identity and time, and God really, afterall. He explains that perhaps man's biggest problem is one of identity. The idea that we are a separate "I". Who is that "I"? You can't have an "I" without all the rest of it, you can't separate "yourself" from all the rest of it. I'll stop there.

Here's some excerpts that I enjoyed this time thru:

... our age is one of frustration, anxiety, agitation, and addiction to "dope." Somehow we must grab what we can while we can, and drown out the realization that the whole thing is futile and meaningless. This "dope" we call our high standard of living, a violent and complex stimulation of the senses, which makes them progressively less sensitive and thus in need of yet more violent stimulation. We create distraction - a panorama of sights, sounds, thrills and titillations into which as much as possible must be crowded in the shortest possible time.

To keep up with this "standard" most of us are willing to put up with lives that consist largely in doing jobs that are a bore, earning the means to seek relief from the tedium by intervals of hectic and expensive pleasure. These intervals are supposed to be the real living, the real purpose served by the necessary evil of work. Or we imagine that the justification of such work is the rearing of a family to go on doing the same kind of thing in order to rear another family ... and so ad infinitum.

After all, the future is quite meaningless and unimportant unless, sooner or later, it is going to become the present. Thus to plan for a future which is not going to become present is hardly more absurd than to plan for a future which, when it comes to me, will find me "absent," looking fixedly over its shoulder instead of into its face.

But in the process of symbolizing the universe in this way or that for this purpose or that we seem to have lost the actual joy and meaning of life itself. All the various definitions of the universe have had ulterior motives, being concerned with the future rather than the present. Religion wants to assure the future beyond death, and science wants to assure it until death, and to postpone death. But tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. There is no other reality than present reality, so that, even if one were to live for endless ages, to live for the future would be to miss the point everlastingly.

Death is the epitome of the truth that in each moment we are thrust into the unknown. Here all clinging to security is compelled to cease, and wherever the past is dropped away and safety abandoned, life is renewed. Death is the unknown in which all of us lived before birth.

Nothing is more creative than death, since it is the whole secret of life. It means that the past must be abandoned, that the unknown cannot be avoided, that "I" cannot continue, and that nothing can be ultimately fixed. When a man knows this, he lives for the first time in his life. By holding his breath, he loses it. By letting it go he finds it.

As long as you do not know how to die and come to life again, you are but a sorry traveler on this dark earth. Goeth.

The highest to which man can attain is wonder; and if the prime phenomenon makes him wonder, let him be content; nothing higher can it give him, and nothing further should he seek for behind it; here is the limit. Goeth.

It is obvious that the only interesting people are interested people, and to be completely interested is to have forgotten about "I".

Pic found here.

Singleton Mom's 3rd Annual Walk

2010-01-04T13:03:00.001-07:00

Click on Michelle's Pic to go to my Fund Raising Page. Help me raise the money for the moms again this year!

December Wrap

2009-12-31T08:03:00.002-07:00

We had a Royal Family Christmas at our place this year. My Mom & Dad came up from Yuma (where they are thawing for the season), Jamie, Denise and John came down from Colorado. Everyone else from Phoenix and a few other loved ones too. Cathy was in Mexico with the Droll clan. We missed her here, and I hear they missed me there. Next year we're gonna put an end to this missing business. Here's what I got for December. Whenever you hear someone say "it's just a job" you might be complaining too much. Whenever you hear yourself say "it's just a job" you might want to consider looking for a new one. In my job it's best I stay focused on just the little things. Excuses are so exhausting. Make sure you know exactly where that damn baby is before you start throwing out bath water. Let your pallate off the leash. When I grabbed her breast I was able to fully return to the moment and remember my purpose. A big part of our day involves just moving our stuff around. If you're thinking someone might get something of yours, that you have something that you may be threatened by another that you should and someone should not that there is another you've earned something you have a right oh my, watch out that's how all this crap got started. And now from some real people. The act of compassion begins with full attention. Daniel Goleman. Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Eliot. All you have some day will be given; Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors. Kahlil Gibran. Samurai: The priest Keiho related that Lord Aki once said that martial valor is a matter of becoming a fanatic. I thought that this was surprisingly in accord with my own resolve and thereafter became more and more extreme in my fanaticism. A smiling face is half the meal. Latvian Proverb. That's it for this time. All my love, your bobJuan.

The Fourth Hand - Book Report

2009-12-26T19:52:00.003-07:00

I went with Cathy to a Book Sale a couple of months ago. I found the Irving section and bought all they had I didn't. This book was one of um. It's not his best work, and you don't need to hear that from me, but it's a great read and character study, as usual. The typical crazy Irving humor and sex, oh yes. A warm finish. Recommend = True.

Picture found here.

Singleton Moms - What We Do!

2009-12-16T05:18:00.001-07:00

A Photo Challenge

2009-12-10T18:24:00.002-07:00

Quick poem/story challenge: Check out Corrin's response here. Anybody else wanna get in? Here's mine:

My mom had me sit while she and her classmates from her native cultures writing class presented themselves to their instructor for their final. All the other students in the class are young. My Mom only takes these crazy night classes that are filled with young freaks, like social workers, creative writers, wannabe teachers, goofballs like that. People that are not afraid to act out and get naked, just like my Mom. It was all I could do to ignore their beautiful breasts. I met the instructor earlier in the semester, he’s a freak too. The shit I do for mom. I can’t believe my sisters don’t understand why I’m her favorite.

[pic found here.]

Fantasy#318

2009-12-09T17:56:00.001-07:00

I was sitting on the patio she went to her car started it drove off nothing since been a while now. I chuckled at the time since, I've not stopped wondering about my girl who left the day after thanksgiving, in her pj's, dirty too a clean departure squeaky. i think she only had her purse and her keys of course I couldn't have done it better myself I always knew she was better than anyone she knew it too. i'm gonna have a garage sale there's some nice stuff of hers here i'll probably take a place downtown for a while maybe get the band back together she was a damn good woman to me.

Pic found here.

Smiling Backwards @ Section 59651

2009-12-08T05:15:00.003-07:00

The following is the final poem for the semester. It is a conglemeration of lines from my classmates poems. It's nonsense really, unless you were there, then you may find a line or two of yours mixed up!

when i say dear god i mean it the deaths of others I have loved slipping through the painted red dust i kneel at your alters and i am altered and dirty our agendas have disappeared i have grown into some awful beast the kind that cries and has red meat hanging inside its chest lapping at my shorelines she taught me how to hold a joint stretching to my grandparents front porches she follows the path by the flow of their pain to hide within the lovely things and find again a childish dance the brown bitch beat defeat within a labyrinth of mumpsimus i do not think that word means what you think it means my only friends i hope you like swimming through an eye-wall of mistrust look someone dead in the face and let another heart begin like the wind in the palm of his hands you have started a fire in me softening my heart against my will I dreamed about the poem spoon and harpoon I dreamed you had written for me speak sweet in the tongue of mystery learn to lie for a living do as you please and please do everything while forest whole in crackle heard sweat slips between my breasts that sweet machine, that strangler team until my head slipped onto your shoulder, still attached without the band-aids of our clothes we are beasts a burning box of matches tend to leave my bed sheets sandy enough to send the scorpions running especially since you lit the match that started this brush fire the hickeys on my neck on my back with my chest wide open the same scene endlessly unwinds someone has eaten the sun from the sky it's fucked up while i was at war my wife was a whore choking from the ties that bind us for life i used my hair to soak the blood Making me question every word that flows from your mouth the chance of catching you keeps me up at nite this is what it is like to be alone the backs of my teeth are desperate oil and dust from nineteen years and endless money lust try twenty i don't want to see you when I close my eyes you're coming to me in my dreams you are supposed to be off-limits i will suck the wind out of you no one can out run lava i believe that slow ache religion i found when death was around took the liberty of our tongues i will shine it military grade to match my brother's shoes they did not shave his head turning those proud lions into stumbling kittens where your lips had claimed holy land the last time before that nothing visible occurred but ruah you seem to have forgotten that I have no problem quitting you i don't care as long as it pushes off my lips and hits you in the face your beehive mouth my quicksand tongue i spin like lance-fucking armstrong i have lied to you every night this week I am a botanists daughter with a black thumb permanently resting up his rectum that slow ache a second spinal cord cold in my crack secured by a gordian knot growing in me words to make you fall in love and speak in tongues i hear the floor squeal against your eager limbs I'm physically aching for phantom appendages I slip in to your eyelids i would do it again how about you i would eat my mental tongue if my mental teeth obeyed from the heart to the hand we tumble, tumble you seem built to hold on to things i would be the greatest mistake of your life leash leading exercise in the green swimming pool dremel tools sharpen teeth we took turns playing the big dipper i wish we could've called it love making you make it hard your succubus started coming undone blaspheming and bellowing the sheets smelled a lot like fear i dream in colossus how to do this without really doing it i keep myself in the company of volcanoes an alternative to ice the desert's dusty streets miss your wandering hands we've always been each others shores two wishes at the same time for the same thing the hunger to write your life story on our bed sheets i can't seem to shake any of you my pores have turned into oceans i know where the moon is at daybreak i am outgrowing my allotted space in the universe astrology is asinine will there be some evidence of who i was when the smoke so sweet to me earlier quit the breath of my two little boys will i remember, in a year, who I was today? the me now in these nights is all that you need so instead of throwing a hand grenade plan an expedition to the tip top of my breasts we can't say no we tread on uneasy skin i still don't know what you look like naked

Aubto Wakes Up

2009-12-08T05:11:00.002-07:00

I am home again with Neptune and Saburi. I save my tears for I realize nobody knows I was gone, it was only a dream. They wouldn’t believe it anyway. It wasn’t a nightmare for I had a family and friends. But there was no tribe to speak of, no one truly talked to each other, everyone wore funny clothes and kept themselves busy with nothing really. I fear I dreamed of the future, and I hope it’s many years away. I worry for my tribe, for my people, I hope what I saw is not our future. Maybe I dreamed of our past. The ending was sad, but it seemed like a beginning too. It’s good to be home, I am the luckiest man alive. The rains will come soon. I think I’ll make a visit with Safi tonite.

[I got the picture from one of the .PPS Amazing Pictures files that circulates our internets.]

The November Wrap

2009-11-30T07:00:00.020-07:00

Jordyn is my favorite special guest on Thanksgiving day. Shes the first girl that made me a papa. I love that girl.

OK, here's what we got for November.

it's bed time not that it matters much we've been tired since noon of last year some time.

i was thinking that since i'm a college kid i should be smoking more pot. some other stuff too. As a flexetarian one still must make choices fortunately it's a lot easier to sneak a cheeseburger than a leather couch.

Mouth Breather in the pre-dawn moments on the hill my light illuminates all these itsybitsy flying bugs. My mouth wide open grasps for oxygen, and takes them in like plankton.

if you think about it, thinking is way overrated.

say you got killed doing what you wanted to do. or you were able to keep living, but not doing what you wanted to do?

I will not blog at work. I will not blog at work. I will not blog at work. Facebook either!

It seems to me: To be a Christian it seems one must believe that God created the heaven's and the earth, and everything in them. A Christian has so much to love.

The more importance one gives to the things of this world - the more difficult the path.

He couldn't imagine hooking up with a chick who didn't know how important it is to smoke marijuana.

From a few year ago, a friend Lisa: A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. At my desk I have a work station.

And now from some real people: Enlightenment is not something you achieve. It is the absence of something. All your life you have been going forward after something, pursuing some goal. Enlightenment is dropping all that. Charlotte Joko Beck. I've been reading Brautigan. Check him out. Love Poem It's so nice to wake up in the morning all alone and not have to tell somebody you love them when you don't love them any more. The Shenevertakesherwatchoff Poem Because you always have a clock strapped to your body, it's natural that I should think of you as the correct time: with your long blonde hair at 8:03, and your pulse-lightning breasts at 11:17, and your rose-meow smile at 5:30, I know I'm right. Poker Star It's a star that looks like a poker game above the mountains of eastern Oregon. There are three men playing. They are all sheepherders. One of them has two pair, the others have nothing.

The Pill Versus the Springhill Mine Disaster

When you take your pill it's like a mine disaster. I think of all the people lost inside of you.

Boo, Forever

Spinning like a ghost on the bottom of a top, I'm haunted by all the space that I will live without you.

OK, Samurai time.

Human life is truly a short affair. It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like. But it is important never to tell this to young people as it is something that would be harmful if incorrectly understood. Personally, I like to sleep. And I intend to appropriately confine myself more and more to my living quarters and pass my life away sleeping.

A faultless person is one who withdraws from affairs. This must be done with strength.

There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue. Live being true to the single purpose of the moment... When one understands this settling into single-mindedness well, his affairs will thin out. Loyalty is also contained within this single-mindedness.

That's it for November.

all my best, your bobJuan

Menos Hablar Y Mas Trabajar

2009-11-08T20:34:00.003-07:00

that's how the gringo in me thinks anyway. the mexican in me wants another cerveza ahora mismo.

They came almost on gringo time and certainly close enough to mexico time mas o menos.

once again I'm about to pay someone more than others would, not to mention they have my truck and a hundred of my easy earned dollars supposedly buying cemento at home depot. they came back!

but it's just money, and these guys need need it more than i do for sure. and for chrissakes, if all goes well i'm finally gonna have a cement pad where i want it. how do you put a price on that? i told cathy if they're not back in 2 hours i'm calling the cops. i'm a hard ass that way. i can see myself w/o the cement pretty easily, but it's gonna be an adjustment to give up the truck just on accounta i trust every brown guy and girl at my door looking for work; my friends are gonna say I told you so for sure.

we are not the kind of folk who just want things done, most of the time we're solving real problems around here. for example, i need to move my fogger machine motor around to the other side of the house because it's too loud on this side; that's a problem isn't it? i know it's not world peace or anything like that.

they mix the cement right in the hole. they don't need anything but a hose with water coming out, a shovel and a place to make the mess. they could use some of those rubber boots real cement guys have. at least i think they could. they bought 20 bags but are back getting 5 more right now I think, with my truck again, and twenty more of my barely earned dollars. they earn every 20 they get. I told them earlier I thought the job was about a hundred in labor. they'll no doubt get just about all the cash i have by the time they leave, and certainly some of my beer and tequila, i made some fresh salsa yesterday too, and i do have 3 avocados and some romas ready to be sliced. it's sunday for goodness sakes. did I mention we have corona lights and limes?

when it comes to money i get a lot of resistance to my ideas. like for example, i certainly like what jesus and the Buddha taught about these matters. consider the lillys of the field. I'd rather consider others than myself every single time. it's really a no brainer. i'm not here to live longer or whatever folks are saying is better, it's not about me. it's about us. all of us. no problemo. the quality of my life is not about the length of it. it's about how sweet i can be every single chance i get. that's what makes it work for me. move over jesus, i got some loving to give too you know.

it's a beautiful day and we're taking care of things around here. things we've talked about taking care of for years. it feels good to be taking care of things. bobby came by and wrote our names in the wet cement, all of um as of right now.

Yo Creo

2009-11-02T11:34:00.003-07:00

I am responsible for the everything
complaining is for those who have time and don't need athing
you can't have a past without a present
every belief at least one change underwent
people don't argue about the truth
playing the victim is chicken shit ruth
we're all playing god just a little bit
It's all made up, all of it, relax and take a hit
I am not my body, no way
If there's a heaven, dogs are there, yes way
If the entire planet was the United States, the end of interesting
Mexico should stay Mexico - brown girls, gloriously colored everything
Sheriff Joe give it a rest and stop the fuss
trees contribute more to the health of our planet than most of us
flu shots contain monkey brains for our ills
religions kill, no wait, religion kills
an animal shouldn't have to be killed for all my meals
sex is natural, and sex is good, so it feels
if TV was really good it would change the everything
concern w/o action is not really a thing
we have enough technology
we're all in this together, no apology
belief kills, no wait, beliefs kill
punctuation is way over rated, chill
belief is only necessary until you know
just because you can don't mean you should bro
it's selfish to think your life should be different than it is
we're all in this together, everything's our biz
it's time to start acting my age
there's no such thing as tomorrow you wannabe sage
it gets better on purpose juan moment at a time.

You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it is going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kinds of dogmas or goals, it’s always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt.
Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

[Image found here.]

Has this ever happened to you?

2009-11-01T15:48:00.004-07:00

A handyman comes to your house. You talk about a project. He gives you an estimate. You schedule a date 3 weeks out. 3 weeks later, that same Handyman shows up and does the same work you talked about on the same day he said he would for the same price he quoted? It happened to me.

[Image found here.]

October Souls

2009-10-30T15:12:00.011-07:00

If you've ever seen anything about these [two] girls, you know about sweetness, blessedness oh my, Abagail and Brittany, you inspire me. Check them out on the internets.

OK, October wrapup. here's what I got:

In the month of October I received and did not forward 40 eMails of the spam and get-rich variety. You are welcome. We found a new mountain Home along the Blue River, and will never cease to sing it's praises. The life we live here keeps getting better and better.

you can’t have a past without a present, a future either.

of all the consequences a country could have at least not the ones from making war.

I always start to feel quite a bit better somewhere into my second beer.

He would pay his kids $100 a month just not to ask him stupid shit.

some constructive insomina is happening.

What would it be without your thoughts? Would it be?

who or what is it, that actually goes to sleep anyway?

If you want to know what you love watch what you do when you have a minute.

From the recently departed files:

We recently lost our friend Leonard O'Brien and Linda Montford. Reminders of love, kindness, grace, intelligence, beauty, friends and family. For their families, Cathy and I have a candle burning again tonite.

From some real people:

From one bathtub to another bathtub – All nonsense. Issa.

Without leaving my house

I know the whole universe. Lao-Tsu

[Picture found here.]

Yamamoto Tsunetomo (2)

2009-10-28T18:49:00.003-07:00

Some more. He's starting to nail me now.

... The occurrence of mysteries is always by word of mouth.

Lord Naoshige said, "The Way of the Samurai is in desperateness. Ten men or more cannot kill such a man. Common sense will not accomplish great things. Simply become insane and desperate.

In the Way of the Samurai, if one uses discrimination, he will fall behind. One needs neither loyalty nor devotion, but simply to become desperate in the Way. Loyalty and devotion are of themselves within desperation.

After I took up the attitude of a retainer, I never sat sloppily whether at home or in some other place. Neither did I speak, but if there was something that could not be done properly without words. I made an effort to settle things by putting ten words into one. Yamazaki Kurando was like this.

In the words of the ancients, one should make his decisions within the space of seven breaths. Lord Takanobu said, "If discrimination is long, it will spoil." Lord Naoshige said, "When matters are done leisurely, seven out of ten will turn out badly. A warrior is a person who does things quickly."

When your mind is going hither and thither, discrimination will never be brought to a conclusion. With an intense, fresh and underlying spirit, one will make his judgments within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side.

A person with a bit of wisdom is one who will criticize the times. This is the basis of disaster. A person who is discreet in speaking will be useful during the good times and will avoid punishment during the bad.

A warrior should not say something fainthearted even casually. He should set his mind to this beforehand. Even in trifling matters the depths of one's heart can be seen.

Until the age of forty it is best to gather strength. It is appropriate to have settled down by the age of fifty.

When discussing things with someone, it is best to speak appropriately about whatever the subject may be. No matter how good what you are saying might be, it will dampen the conversation if it is irrelevant.

When someone is giving you his opinion, you should receive it with deep gratitude even though it is worthless. If you don't he will not tell you the things that he has seen and heard about you again. It is best to both give and receive opinions in a friendly way.

When reading something aloud, it is best to read from the belly. Reading from one's mouth, one's voice will not endure. This is Nakano Shikibu's teaching.

[Image stolen from here.]

Yamamoto Tsunetomo (1)

2009-10-25T07:39:00.004-07:00

Some teachings from Yamamoto Tsunetomo.

Learning is a good thing, but more often it leads to mistakes. It is like the admonition of the priest Konan. It is worthwhile just looking at the deeds of accomplished persons for the purpose of knowing our own insufficiencies. But often this does not happen. For the most part, we admire our own opinions and become fond of arguing.

According to the situation, there are times when you must rely on a person for something or other. If this is done repeatedly, it becomes a matter of importuning that person and can be rather rude. If there is something that must be done, it is better not to rely on others.

There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.

In China there was once a man who liked pictures of dragons, and his clothing and furnishings were all designed accordingly His deep affection for dragons was brought to the attention of the dragon god, and one day a real dragon appeared before his window. It is said that he died of fright. He was probably a man who always spoke big words but acted differently when facing the real thing.

[Pic found here.]
My friend Amos gave me this book when I was in Portland. Thanks AmoJuan.

There

2009-10-20T21:22:00.003-07:00

on the edge
here I am again
right now
is anyone over there?
on the other side?
do we just queue up?
here
pathetically staying
here?
the damn grass looks so green
over there

it only happens here?
this is where love is
love don’t wait
only selfish waits?
jesus, I’m tired of waiting
for there
is no there
is there?

Image copied from here.

A Widow For One Year - Book Report

2009-10-19T07:07:00.004-07:00

I just finished this John Irving classic. I'll have to go to Amazon.com soon and get some more now that I've read all of the books of his I have on my shelf. In this story damn near everyone is a writer. In some ways it's like a textbook for writers. As usual, by the time you're in a chapter or two John has a cast of characters developed that you already know very well. He is the master of characters.

You know I don't like to give any of these stories away. You can find other reviews where folks divulge such information (just search the internets). It's fiction, there's some sex, pain, suffering, life, Amsterdam sex, in that order. Recommend = absolutely. Great story, superbly told.

bobJuan Irving in Training.

Blue River Mountain Retreat

2009-10-18T08:03:00.003-07:00

Cathy and I just returned from 7 nites and the days in between at the Blue River Mountain Retreat just south of Alpine. We have found our new mountain vacation place, oh my. It's so good we hesitate to tell anyone about it, so we can keep it for ourselves. But, you know that's not the way we roll.

The retreat is located about 10 miles south of Alpine along the Blue River. It's actually in New Mexico, it figures, the Land of Enchantment. Though we drove some new roads, and of course had to go to the Beautiful Place, and the East Fork of the Black River, there's no reason to get in your car once you get there. It's peaceful and there are wonderful hikes that start just outside the cabin door.

We made some new friends, Mike and Kris. Kris was house sitting for Don and Janie who own/live at the Retreat. She is an expert in all things along the Blue, especially the trails. Mike used to work for the Forest Service back in the day a little further south in the Clifton district. He's friends with Don, Janie and Kris too. We are thankful to have the chance to meet such wonderful people along the Blue.

When we got into Phoenix last nite, I realized we hadn't been to a restaurant or seen a traffic light in 6 days. You can catch all our pic from the trip here.

Heading to the Mountains

2009-10-09T08:09:00.005-07:00

We're heading up to the Blue River Mountain Retreat for a week. Pics and stories to come. This is my to do list!

Red Thread

2009-10-06T07:00:00.010-07:00

I had to find out for myself
for those who merely believed
seemed only merely happy
the flame of my red thread
would not be quenched by
magical spells or doused by
hand-me-down mores or extinguished by
popular beliefs or even pete’s sake
for christ’s sake

and so i set out
to free myself from the tyranny of
virtuousness, respectability, accountability,
predictability, and all them othertabilitys
most certainly self controlability.
never again would i be detained or restrained.
free at lastability!

i did the things i wanted for a change.
and a bit of the everything too
oh my
there was no end to it,
my red thread is
an eternal blazing flame

then in february i saw you in trailz
buying some screenz and incense
you were barefoot and
your hair was longer and
your skin was tanner and
your wa was like it ever was and
i followed you home
like a puppy

after 40 years of the burn
my bones and my cells know
it's good, really good, here
with you
and your fire.

[Image found here]

Camelback Mountain

2009-10-01T16:52:00.003-07:00

I see you around town
watching me
watching you
wanting me

everytime you come it’s dark
and hot
sometimes there’s blood
everytime there’s pain,
pleasure
and sweat

I’ve seen you with that squaw
I have others too you know
I never deny
my secrets and pleasures
even to those who consider me
a 30 minute conquest
up and down my frontness
like a piece
of equipment

but you my tender lover
start slow
and finish even slower
quietly penetrating the darkness
of my backness
your soft touch
just before sunrise
we peak

each time you withdraw
is the beginning of our next time.
I’ll be watching you.
Look, you’ve come again
and brought me another poem.

September Wrap

2009-09-30T17:49:00.004-07:00

A couple of super nice trips this month. Climbed Mount Humphrey's with Vandy, and went to Portland to see Eli and Amber (and Amos and Rich). I don't need to tell you how much I love my boy Eli. How much I miss him. In October Cathy and I are scheduled to do a week in Alpine at a new cabin. I look forward to telling you about it later.

Here's what I got this time:

As I slide closer to the lowest common denominator
I find myself becoming part of the problem.

Pick the seasonal fruit
don't wait another moment
any thread, pick it up and weave
a lover's tale
with all your heart.

all reality is virtual

ice cream
when it's time to scream.

happiness is self inflicted.

i often hide my selfishness behind my unhappiness.

Auditor: A person who makes their living talking about you you do for a living. A good one can keep you from doing it too.

I've come to the conclusion
even though quite a few of us don't act like it,
and you know who you are
we're all in this together.

Portland: The town that cards.

If I hear tomorrow, just one more time!

and now from some real people:

art is an obligation. Terance McKenna

Get enough food to eat, and eat it.
Find a place to sleep where it is quiet, sleep there.
Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself, and listen to it.

Richard Brautigan.

The lady whines, then dines; is slapped and killed;
Yet it's her killer's blood that has been spilled.
A Mosquito by Brad Leithauser

There is not any memory with less satisfaction in it than the memory of some temptation we resisted. James Branch Cabell.

If we cannot see how what we are doing or not doing is contributing to things being the way that they are, then logically we have no basis a all, zero leverage, for changing the way things are -- except from the outside, by persuasion or force. Adam Kahane.

that's it for this time. All my best, your bobJuan.

True Love

2009-09-28T20:19:00.002-07:00

Today I feel it again,

a bit stronger, like it was 1990 or something

no, better than 1990 or something

Your persuasion last nite

got me

your kiss this morning

got me

your smile and loving grace everyday

gets me

when everything else wears me down

you bring me up

it's my turn

isn't it?

you've certainly shown it can be done

true love.

[Picture stolen from here.]

This

2009-09-21T12:24:00.003-07:00

time's up
put your pencil down
and turn in your everything
you heard the bell
go on out and play

when you come back
we won’t be so serious
we'll start from scratch
a clean fresh sheet
and no pencils either
crayons and water colors for sure though
and maybe some glitter and glue if you like
now go on and have a good time

good morning
welcome back
aren't you the lucky one
alive another day
now let's get started
after your nap we'll have some lunch
and then you can
paint something grand and splashy
anything you want

what’s that darlin?
you don't know what you want?
look over here baby
it's really quite simple
you won't believe it
all you've ever wanted is .... this.

At The Meadow's Edge

2009-09-15T21:16:00.003-07:00

He was young handsome paralyzed
in a bed at the meadow’s edge
of life’s greens and browns and the sunshine too.
Little birds and bugs buzzing the mid blue air.
He told me it’s all mind.
I sat beside him for a moment or more
feeling the caged injustice.
Through the meshed lense of his sunglasses
I could make out his eyes
He turned again to the meadow
isn’t it beautiful?
and it was so, just as he said.
I hope to see him again
he knows things

Pic found here: http://www.richclemart.com/gallery_studio.htm

The Hug, A Poem by Tess Gallagher

2009-09-01T16:40:00.005-07:00

A woman is reading a poem on the street
and another woman stops to listen. We stop too,
with our arms around each other. The poem
is being read and listened out here
in the open. Behind us
no one is entering our leaving the houses.

Suddenly a hug comes over me and I'm
giving it to you, like a variable star shooting light
off to make itself comfortable, then
subsiding. I finish but keep holding
you. A man walks up to us and we know he hasn't

come out of nowhere, but if he could, he
would have. He looks homeless because of how
he needs. "Can I have one of those?" he asks you,
and I feel you nod. I'm surprised,
surprised you don't tell him how
it is-- that I'm yours, only
yours, etc., exclusive as a nose to
its face. Love-- that is wheat we're talking about, love
that nabs you with "for me
only" and holds on.

So I walk over to him and put my
arms around him and try to
hug him like I mean it. He's got an overcoat on
so thick I can't feel
him past it. I'm starting the hug
and thinking, "How big a hung is this supposed to be?
How long shall I hold this hug?' Already
we could be eternal, his arms falling over my
shoulders, my hands not
meeting behind his back, he is so big!

I put my head into his chest and snuggle
in. I lean into him. I lean my blood and my wishes
into him. He stands for it. This is his
and he's starting to give it back so well I know he's
getting it. This hug. So truly, so tenderly
we stop having arms and I don't know if
my lover has walked away or what, or
if the woman is still reading the poem, or the houses--
what about them?-- the houses.

Clearly a little permission is a dangerous thing.
But when you hug someone you want it
to be a masterpiece of connection, the way the button
on his coat will leave the imprint of
a planet in my cheek
when I walk away. When I try to find some place
to go back to

[Poem copied from here.]

[Pic found here.] Click pic for video.

Questions, A Poem by Mary Oliver

2009-09-01T16:28:00.007-07:00

Is the soul solid, like iron?
Or is it tender and breakable, like
the wings of a moth in the beak of an owl?
Who has it, and who doesn't?
I keep looking around me.
The face of the moose is as sad
as the face of Jesus.
The swan opens her white wings slowly.
In the fall, the black bear carries leaves into the darkness.
One question leads to another.
Does it have a shape? Like an iceberg?
Like the eye of a hummingbird?
Does it have one lung, like the snake and the scallop?
Why should I have it, and not the anteater
who loves her children?
Why should I have it, and not the camel?
Come to think of it, what about maple trees?
What about the blue iris?
What about all the little stones, sitting alone in the moonlight?
What about roses, and lemons, and their shining leaves?
What about the grass?

[Poem copied from here.]
[Image found here.]

The Devil in the White City (Book Review)

2009-08-31T13:58:00.005-07:00

My boy Eli recommended this book. An entertaining read. The story of the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago is fascinating, particularly given the wherewithal of the times and the scope of the project. How many pounds of this and that, Annie Oakley, the first Ferris Wheel, Walt Disney's father Elias, Frank Lloyd Wright, incandescent bulbs, alternating current and shredded wheat oh my. The story of serial killer H.H. Holmes adds just the right touch of dark to this tale in Chicago. He easily killed at least 27 people around that time, probably way more. What a creepy guy. It amazes me how many folks can be seduced by guys like that. Yikes.

Great read. Recommend: Yes for entertainment and relaxing purposes. Indeed.

Adios Augusto!

2009-08-27T16:14:00.013-07:00

Bobby and I started the last day of August with a hike. Them smiles come from the deep....

I'm sitting on a few things here I might need to get out. Better safe than sorry.

First of all, since my last report I have received (and did not forward) 30 junk eMails from so called friends. Again, the rest of you are welcome. I've reset the counter.

I've started a poetry class at Phoenix College. So, expect some silly poems coming to this blog soon.

Everything changed as soon as I learned her business was pleasure.

Concern without action, what's the point?

I've decided to lie about everything.

He just finished his 54th year of wanting just about everything to be different.

As long as more is better, there's never enough.

There's a reason they're called followers.

She was so fine, the second thought I had was "please tell me you're not already spoken for".

I'm not interested in a deal.

I know I'm getting it right, when you're perfect.

Jeanne, mostly what I like, is what you did to me.

If it's not leading to love, never mind.

There's no doubt, it's my turn.

Don't you get it? This is as special as it gets.

It's all a daydream, all of it that's not cherished anyway.

Selfish often masquerades as unhappy. It's a pity to be so petty.

I've broken all the little rules, time for something else.

And now, from some real people:

I just may be the lunatic you're looking for. Billy Joel (Almost a quote).

I'd trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday. Janice Joplin.

I'd sooner face the penalties of killing a man than a hawk. Robinson Jeffers. Wow!

We must do what we conceive to be right and not bother our heads or burden our souls with whether we'll be successful. Because if we don't do the right thing, we'll do the wrong thing and we'll be part of the disease and not part of the cure. E.F. Schumacher

Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world. George Bernard Shaw.

That's all I got for this time. my best, your bobJuan.

The Shadow of the Wind (Book Review)

2009-08-23T20:17:00.005-07:00

Oh my. I am thinking about changing my name to Carlos again. A page turner. I was joking with Rick (my friend who turned me onto the book) that it should come with one of those rubber finger-page-turning thingys. You can find lots of folks singing the praises of this book and its author, including his greatness Stephen King. You don't need me to tell you how wonderful it is.

I will say every chance I get that a brave author with an imagination and compassion for life once again inspires. Rick says the Angels Game is a great read too, I'll let you know what I think. What a wonderful mind and heart this guy has. Love, mystery, and story telling on 11. The plot/subplot and mixing mystery fired me up. Hated for it to end.

Recommendation: Must Read.

The 158-Pound Marriage, A Book Review

2009-08-08T06:28:00.004-07:00

Finished this short one (154 pages) last nite. Saucy, sinful, painful. Ahh, the menage a quatre, couple swapping is hot. Then it's not. Too bad we imagine things could or even should stay hot. And when they cool we get all stupid about it, or wonder what went wrong. There's no such thing as hot without cold. There's no such thing as ON without OFF. Irving whips um up here as usual, you can see um naked. And he got me. The two quotes in the front of the book were more telling after the read.

There were four of us then, not merely two, and in our quaternion the vintage sap flowed and bled and boiled as it may never again. John Hawkes, The Blood Oranges.

It was a most amazing business, and I think that it would have been better in the eyes of God if they had all attempted to gouge out each other's eyes with carving knives. But they were "good people". Ford Madox Ford, The Good Soldier.

Irving is my writing professor. Book recommended. Review done.

Adios Julio

2009-08-01T04:37:00.003-07:00

I bet somewhere there's a statistic that says this July was one of, maybe the, hottest on record in Phoenix. It's been a scorcher. Made up for that sweet June we had for sure, back when we thought maybe global warming was a scam again. Anyway it was a great month around here. For one, baby Aaryn came into all of our lives. Just in time.

Here's some of what I'm sitting on.

First, you're welcome. In the month of July I received and did not forward 58 eMails, some of which promised me fantastic sums of wealth depending upon how many people I forwarded them to believe me. I just reset my counter for August.

Looks like we're not going to be happy until we reach the tipping point.

If the entire world turned off their TV right now

I predict World Peace by Christmas.

After I became amused, everything started falling in place.

In the evolution of humans, why did we stop having fur?

As long as there's a them

we're all in trouble.

Sometimes I wish I could control/z my way back a few days.

You have to realize there are others

Before you can appreciate the one without another

name your limitations.

If you're not gonna do "this"

what are you gonna do?

Why do you care where you're going, when you don't even know where you are?

And now, from some real people.

He who knows how to shave the razor,

will know how to erase the eraser. Henri Michaux.

Everything leads us to believe that there exists a certain point of intelligence at which life and death, the real and the imaginary, the past and the future... cease to be perceived as opposites. Andre Breton.

Until next time.. your bobJuan.

Cider House Rules - Book Review

2009-07-20T16:39:00.004-07:00

Just finished this today. My oh my, Mr. Irving the Story Guru. I'm in the middle of a story myself, and if I could find the last sentence to mine like John Irving does to his, I'd stop. This is another example of a great movie that doesn't even get close the the greatness of it's inspiration. John did not drift once too far off the fun stuff here, quite a feat for 587 pages.

Once he gets you hooked on the players, he plays them all like the conductor of an orchestra. I can only dream of myself finding a way to weave tales like this. Fearless love. Fearless craziness. Irving is the bravest man I know. You want to have a great book in your hands? pick this one up.

bobJuan.

Caption That Photo II

2009-07-17T16:42:00.003-07:00

Eli is the winner again today.

Margaret was always able to force a smile, even though she secretly lamented having a younger more beautiful sister Jane.

[Pic found here.]

Caption That Photo 1

2009-07-16T16:03:00.004-07:00

My kids and I are playing "caption that photo". the winner gets a macaroni and cheese dinner at Bobby's on Monday. Today's winner was from Eli.

This is the lesser known "cover your penis no evil"

If you'd like to join us, send me your eMail and I'll include you in the daily contest while it runs.

[Photo found here.]

Birthday Hike

2009-07-14T05:57:00.003-07:00

I've been back on the mountain lately. Redemption, lung busting, knee and ankle wrenching redemption. Yesterday Damian, Bobby and I had a little birthday cheer on top. Bobby and Andy turned 34 yesterday. Last nite we did some serious bowling extended family style. I love my life. Here's some of what I'm sitting on.

I can always tell when I forget that life is short.
Cranky and Petty.

If it aint making your marriage way better, your religion isn’t working.

We do this over and over and over again.

How much reality do you really need?

You are either happening, or happened.

Drinking wine is moderation.

As long as "more" is better, look out.

I don't know that I can fully trust someone who doesn't own a pair of jeans.

Every generation has its good ole days.

And now from some real people:

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry.

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. Paul Valery.

Coming and going, life and death:
A thousand hamlets, a million houses.
Don't you get the point?
Moon in the water, blossom in the sky.<br> Gizan, Death Poem.

Until next time, your bobJuan.

Packaging Fiasco

2009-07-10T15:51:00.002-07:00

I just received my order of Inflameric, thank you. As a Planetary Commissioner, you can imagine how disappointed I was in how much packaging is involved. I will not be ordering from you again. This is ridiculous. I thought maybe I ordered 10 bottles or something when I saw the size of the box. Come on you guys can do better than this. Bob Royal Order # 901922 (via Amazon)

June Catchup Time

2009-06-28T16:48:00.006-07:00

I have so many other pictures I need to post here, but it's not their turn. I got this "Red Neck Fire Alarm" pic from a friend a while back.

I've got a few things waiting to get here tonite. Here we go. First some bobJuan.

Where do you draw the line on what you care deeply about?
How can anything annoy you? Where does annoyance come from anyway?
Unliking is the source of all my problems. Unliking causes problems.
Unwanting is the place for me.
One good reason to do anything at all is because it makes you happy.
I knew my guru would end up being a clown.
Once I saw absolute love, the game changed to play time.
It's very scarey business, this taking responsibility for my own happiness

From some real people now:

Lo I am with you always means when you look for God,
God is in the look of your eyes,
in the thought of looking, nearer to you than your self,
or things that have happened to you
There’s no need to go outside. Rumi Be Melting Snow p. 13

Try and be a sheet of paper with nothing on it.
Be a spot of ground where nothing is growing,
where something might be planted,
a seed, possibly, from the Absolute. Rumi Be Melting Snow

You can only believe what you do not know. Merton. NSC p. 126

Finally I know the freedom of madness (Rumi No Flag. p 29)

The Time Traveler's Wife

2009-06-28T13:38:00.015-07:00

My best friend Ken Moore turned me on to this book. Yes, you are all my best friends, get over it. I started reading it and Cider House Rules on the same day right after I finished Reading The Broom Of The System. Ken's son Daniel recommended Broom. I won't. The author, David Wallace could have played more with some of his deeper themes for me, particularly the part about being told. He does some side stories and play that pleases my story loving self. Anyway, we'll leave that one alone, we're talking about a different book today. I ended up leaving House sit next to my power spot while I finished the Wife. I'm ready to get back to Wilbur and Homer at the orphanage.

Time Travel. Yum. My last such themed read was Replay. I loved that one too. The Time Traveler's Wife is another love story with a super fine twist. Henry travels forwards and backwards. He meets Clare his wife when she is a little girl in a meadow. She believes in him right away, and waits ever so patiently and powerfully for the day when she meets him in real time. She waits for him forever really. He shows up from their future naked and hungry. She always has food and clothes for him. She always has everything for him forever. She meets him in the real world when she is a woman. She sees him in her future from his past too. The ending is amazing, a subtle twist in time and blessedness.

Her love for him is the real juice in this story, made straight from the fruit of his love for her. Audrey gets us close inside both of these two, which is one of my favorite forms of bravery and style. She tells a damn good tale here. Anyone from Chicago will probably recognize much of the scenes for she doesn't hesitate to vividly cast her story where she lives. Street names. I bet you could Google Earth most of the books locales. The book jacket says this is her first novel, and Google says she has others. Would love to hear from anyone who's read anymore of her work. I heartily recommend the book. Like I said, there's a bit too much Chicago for me, and some of the details of making paper art are more than I want, but the story telling is brave and warm and hot where it needs to be.

Aaryn Michelle McCandless

2009-06-18T04:19:00.003-07:00

Another reason to remember
be kind and love each other, everyone
a new sister was born to this world today
There is no such thing as enough love.

Aaryn made it to our world around 1:00 this morning. I'm sure you'll get to see some way better pics here soon. I didn't see her first, but she's mine! I hear her, Andy and dad (Ryan1) and sister (Ryan2) are all doing just fine. Andy told me a couple days ago that baby Ryan had pretty much given up believing there was a baby coming. Well believe it darlin.

I'll have more later.

Catch Up

2009-06-14T21:18:00.004-07:00

Here's some of the latest. Cathy and I made another trip down to Rocky Point last weekend. Absolutely wonderful. Perfect weather, food, people, relax. Yum.

Here's some of the latest from your bobJuan.

If you don't see God everywhere, you won't see Him anywhere.

Still waiting for happiness? How vain.

The undisciplined calories of boredom, they're the worst.

It was wrong for her to stay with him for all the right reasons.

It wasn't until Friday that I believed you could be high on life.

Sober, it's just like drinking, only not as fun.

you are always creating everything

put the pen down

put the book down

lay your burden down

create from the emptiness.

And now from some real people.

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. Rumi

Love in which there is no sense of restraint cannot be born of a conviction which is based upon things accessible to the mind. Meher Baba.

More important than learning how to recall things is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering the mind. Eric butterworth.

We have a huge barrel of wine, but no cups.

That's fine with us. Every morning

we glow and in the evening we glow again.

They say there's no future for us. They're right.

Which is fine with us. Rumi.

Our minds are like crows. They pick up everything that glitters, no matter how uncomfortable our nests get with all that metal in them. Thomas Merton.

Until next time.

my best, your bobJuan.

Oh Little Jeanne

2009-06-01T08:37:00.003-07:00

Today is Jeanne's memorial service. Here's what I got.

Jeanne
June 1st, 2009

[breathe]

The last time I was in this place, I was on a date with Jeanne We did dinner and a Monk. This Tibetan robed bald guy drinking a star bucks with a Rolex on his wrist entertained us from a grand chair on the stage. A lovely nite with our Angel and a Dahlia Lama protégé.

To the Labine family, thanks for including us, and blessing us with your kindness.

I’m certain we all have our own special connection with Jeanne. Didn’t we all order the Jeanne Special? I’d like to share a bit of my version.

I’m famous in my own mind for one-liners. Here’s some for our girl.

I’ve lost a big chunk of my sunshine.
My world was so much bigger with you in it.
I am so much better because of you.
I’ve never lost anything so precious to me
The planet must feel this loss too, for
you don’t get souls like this walking around every day.
Anything ever touched by this precious feels the loss.
We are the lucky ones, to have known our girl.

That laugh. The alpha and omega of laughs.
Storyteller (ok exaggerator, embellisher)
Language Slayer. You know what she did to English…..
you should have seen what she did to conversational Spanish at Phoenix College
gusto
generous
wise

sensuous, she could give a clinic on sensuous
She got every ounce of pleasure out of every situation
If need be, out of thin air.
human, woman, friend, mother, lover, she did it all the way
loved animals, food, art, earth, family and friends … all things about a man.
In short, she loved living her life.

She ferociously loved her daughter
It’s hard to find a picture of her w/o a dog in it!
Sidney, we’ll watch over you darlin.
It’s hard to find a picture of her w/o Carrie in it.
Carrie, we’ll watch over you darlin.
It’s impossible to find a picture of her w/o a big smile in it.
bravest of all
to be able to let go of so much love

house fire,
cabin flood,
carrie’s h.s. parties
and we all know about so much more she endured
no, she thrived and inspired
over and over again

Did you ever get a chance to grill a steak and watch the stars at the Prescott Cabin?
You remember the one she paid for with credit cards? or so she said.

The Office:
She loved that job
And she loved Mr. Todd.
And everybody there
if you think about it, for most of us, the last really nice raise we got was when Jeanne was there.
I had the fortune to be with her off the clock and hear her love stories about the office and you.

From Eric Able: Thanks bobjuan for letting us know. Jeanne was one of the good people in the world. this is a sad moment for me as it is for you. As much craziness as there was at the County back in the day, Jeanne was always a bright spot. I'll never forget her laugh.

From Mr. Todd: Thank you Bob, I’ve been going back into my office a lot today and I just close the door and cry some more. It was late in the morning when I had a little break and opened up the ol’computer and read Carrie’s e-mail first thing and I just went to the bottom of the world and everything just fell in on top of me. I looked at the letter over and over and just said I don’t want it to be true. My heart just broke into pieces and then I put some back together and re-lived that last big hug from Jeanne when we said ‘good bye’ at the restaurant. I’ll never forget her. Doug

If only the animals could write this
how many dogs and cats are we talking about anyway?
I thought I heard Buford singing in doggy heaven last nite.
They know what I’m trying to say.
We were loved by the consummate lover
We dined with The Connoisseur of Life
We laughed until we cried
We cried until we laughed.
We celebrated everything, every time.
We tasted only the best of it all, and it always tasted the best with Jeanne.

Thanks again my friend, for every single year of friendship.
For the calls, the trips, the meals, the walks, the talks, the drinks, the hugs, the laughs and the tears.
For filling my life with sweet sweet love memories.
And from now on, if I ever need a smile, all I have to do is close my eyes, and think of you.

A Best Friend

2009-05-27T16:56:00.002-07:00

My best friend Jeanne died last nite.
Here's what I got right now.

Very best friends
I've got a few
lost one just last nite
They're the ones, when gone
you got nothing but honey
not one single regret that sticks
of course i wish this and that
one more time for sure i do
one more hug, kiss, dinner, weekend
yes i do baby
like nobody's business i do
but when i reach inside with tears on my cheeks
i find nothing but honey
you sweet, sweet memory of mine
my best so far.

Customer Service Training

2009-05-23T07:00:00.003-07:00

We had two mornings of mandatory training on Customer Service this week at the office. It's difficult when you work for the government, all the customers are forced to pay. Lord help us. Anyway, my notes are above. As with all my doodles, these are best viewed from all four angles.

Lonesome Traveler

2009-05-23T06:34:00.002-07:00

I just finished this book today and I must say many of his sentences were a bit much, particularly since some things in life should not run on over several pages in my opinion except maybe once or twice, but really, where’s the damn period, it’s just a city street scene for goodness sakes and so all in all I did not enjoy as much of this one as much as On The Road, but in both I like Jack the most when he’s alone, in Washington State watching for fire, top of a remote mountain praying to God, or his trip to Africa and Europe seeing God everywhere he can spin together thoughts and words and sounds and sights and prayers and songs bravely sweet and kind, like a poet and you know how poets are, wanting so much all the damn time.

Of course I want to travel alone, and be free.

From the last chapter, page 173.

There's nothing nobler than to put up with a few inconveniences like snakes and dust for the sake of absolute freedom.

I myself was a hobo only of sorts, as you see, because I knew someday my literary efforts would be rewarded by social protection - I was not a real hobo with no hope ever except that secret eternal hope you get sleeping in empty boxcars flying up the Salinas Valley in hot January sunshine full of Golden Eternity toward San Jose where mean-looking old bo's 'll look at you from surly lips and offer you something to eat and a drink too - down by the tracks or in the Guadaloupe Creekbottom.

The original hobo dream was best expressed in a lovely little poem mentioned by Dwight Goddard on his Buddhist Bible:

Oh for this one rare occurrence
Gladly would I give ten thousand pieces of gold!
A hat is on my head, a bundle on my back,
And my staff, the refreshing breeze and the full moon.

[Picture of Jack found here.]

Walmart Take 2

2009-05-18T08:17:00.005-07:00

I dared my favorite poet to write a poem about Walmart. She did. Now, my response. I'm really not all that mad about Walmart. It is a friggin Zoo though for sure.

I grab my cart and a wipe
it's clean now and ready to knock
up and down the aisles, with its own
navigational system in that one front
wheel with the black plastic cover and
2 pounds of grocery store grime.

the beginning of my lesson today, breath.
I've come for stuff on the cheap,
lord knows I don't need to
I've come for something else too

Like an anthroplogist and a zen monk
i come to observe
us in a sea of stuff we want
I've come to give up certain parts of myself
the unskillful ways,
I've come to practice being us, nothing else.

the check-out line is the clencher,
the master has given me a pop-quiz.
What's wrong with right now?

Not Bad

2009-05-18T05:09:00.003-07:00

I've been wanting to make (well eat, actually) this quiche since the magazine showed up last month. Got around to it last nite, nailed it pretty close the first time. I got 12 sheets of phyllo dough left, come on over for some pie!

Here's the latest stuff from your bobJuan.

one of the things I like most about fiction
often, there's sex.

the cat just walked in the house carrying half the yard in her tail.

If my bank closed, it's not like I'm out that much cash.

I'm here to tie your kangaroo down, Sport.

rules are for suckers
and I mean that in
the kindest of ways
we're only around for a few minutes
straighten up and fly right
off the map into the
madness of love
you're only one change away
from everything you really want
wantlessness
no, really
the hardest easiest thing
in the world
complete acceptance.

Now that I figured out I'm not gonna have a different life,
this one's it
there's no more waiting
what a relief
I'm all over this
all hell is breaking loose.

Damn this new PC.
I'm gonna have to teach Microsoft Office my language again. Custom.dic is up for a big lesson. I forgot to tell Cathy about Microsoft Office 2007 when we got this thing. I hope to not be around the first time she sees those ribbons!

Until next time.

Metsito & More

2009-05-14T04:52:00.003-07:00

La Curva. The only place for breakfast in Puerto Penasco (Rocky Point). We had a wonderful 2 days in Rocky Point. We haven't been going down much these past few years, last time was Eli & Amber's Wedding for me. It turns into an orgy of tortillas, salsa, frijoles, margaritas, burritos, naps, and all manners of hedonisms when I don't goes often enoughs. One big scrambling yeeehawww. Here's some Jack Kerouac on Mexico.

p. 21 - Lonesome Traveller. ... -- but the moment you cross the little wire gate and you're in Mexico, you feel like you just sneaked out of school when you told the teacher you were sick and she told you you could go home, 2 o'clock in the afternoon. -- You feel as though you just come home from Sunday morning church and you take off your suit and slip into your soft worn smooth cool overalls, to play -- .. It's a great feeling of entering the Pure Land, especially because it's so close to dry faced Arizona and Texas and all over the Southwest - but you can find it, this feeling, this fellaheen feeling about life, that timeless gayety of people not involved in great cultural and civilization issues .. Mexico is generally gentle and fine, even when you travel among the dangerous characters as I did -- "dangerous" in the sense we mean in America -- in fact the further you go away from the border, and deeper down, the finer it is, as though the influence of civilizations hung over the border like a cloud.

Now some bobJuan stuff:

From the dearly departed files: My friend Martha lost her husband Michael recently. All my precious thoughts and love for you and your family babes.

You have to read, as it turns out, to be well read.

From the news recently: Doctors said one man was bitten on the hand after trying to pet a snake. They said the man had been drinking prior to the incident. (I wish I had a dime for everytime...)

Quit resisting resistancelessness.

Why are matters of life and death always taken so seriously?

I've decided to put all my eggs in one basket.

How come there's so much bad information in my blood?
Makes me glad I declined the piss test.

Were the pandemics before television?

I am another bit of living proof, you can live totally happy on less than $100,000 a year.

And from some real people:

Self is realized through selflessness. Lao-Tsu.

Outside of poetry there is no Zen, outside of Zen there is no poetry. Ten'in Ryutaku.

That's it for this time.

Back from Mexico

2009-05-11T16:36:00.002-07:00

We're back, stories to come. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Stories to come. We didn't have any trouble with the flu or drug warfare.. Or so far, no other bugs from eating all local, all the time.

Pilgrim At Tinker Creek - Book Report

2009-05-08T08:37:00.003-07:00

Ahhhh, I've finished another classic. I've got about 10 more waiting. I am so lucky I didn't go to college when I was young for I probably would have just rushed through this stuff! Just finished with Annie this morning. This is no page-turner, it' more like 15 magical mushroom trips. I needed breaks between hits. My friend YuYu turned me on to this book. I asked him if he remembered the part where Annie tells the story of folks who went through operations and gained their eyesight for the first time. This whole thing begins on page 27. He couldn't remember since it was probably back in the 70s when he started this thing. We all know he's slow, but this book demands slow. She cites work done by Marius von Senden in a book called Space and Sight. Amazon doesn't have it, it is old I guess. I'd love to read it. Anyway, it's the way Annie does it over and over again, exploring details and sharing them with us. Mind boggling enthralling detalia.

Annie was in her 20s when she wrote this book. Makes me wish I hadn't given my Thoreau to the Singleton Moms Rummage Sale. The comparison to Thoreau is cheap and already rudely common, a guy at a pond instead of a girl at a creek. I apologize Annie, I like yours better. I'm not sure Thoreau even talked about insects as parasites.

Annie didn't spend much time wondering about things, she found out. Then she put up her pallet and canvas and showed us what she learned and saw in graceful awe; close by the water over by the hill, down in the valley, covered in admiration and scars and dirt and blood and snow.

I'm no critic, who don't know that. I will say that Annie is the bravest writer I've read so far. To get this far in love with anything, and bold about it, makes me want to sharpen my pencil. She describes these bugs called striders (pp 191-192) and how they tear it up. She ends the piece by saying: Next time I will know what is happening, and if they want to play the last bloody act offstage, I will just part the curtain of grasses and hope I sleep through the night. Striders are brutal. Annie is questfully respectful.

Or, on p. 258: In another book I read the geologists think that Lake Superior marks the site of the highest mountain that ever existed on this continent. I don't know. I'd like to see it. Or I'd like to be it, to feel when to turn.

On Monarchs (p. 259..) This honeysuckle was an odor already only half-remembered, a breath of the summer past, the Lucas cliffs and overgrown fence by Tinker Creek, a drugged sweetness that had almost cloyed on those moisture-laden nights, scarcely known and mostly lost, and heading south. [what the hell is cloyed?] I walked him across the gas station lot and lowered him into a field. He took to the air, pulsing and gliding; he lighted on sassafras, and I lost him.

Some more love: I smelled silt on the wind, turkey, laundry, leaves . . . my God what a world. There is no accounting for one second of it.

One more: This is how you spend this afternoon, and tomorrow morning, and tomorrow afternoon. Spend the afternoon. You can't take it.

One very popular quote from this book she says was inspired by Thomas Merton, who is my guy on the Catholic Monk scene day-to-day. Thomas said There is always a temptation to diddle around in the contemplative life, making itsy-bitsy statutes. Annie says famously: There is always an enormous temptation in all of life to diddle around making itsy-bitsy friends and meals and journeys for itsy-bitsy years on end. ..... I won't have it. The world is wilder than that in all directions, more dangerous and bitter, more extravagant and bright. We are making hay when we should be making whoopee; we are raising tomatoes when we should be raising Cain, or Lazarus. There's even more in this quote (...) that you can find for yourself on page 274.

Her language is almost too much for the bobJuan. The subject matter and her love allowed me to keep up. She herself says in the Afterword: I'm afraid I suffered youth's drawback, too: a love for grand sentences, and fancied a grand sentence was not quite done until it was overdone. I'll allow her that for sure, on account of love.

I imagine if she had written this book a long time ago, it may have been included in the Holy Bible, a book on the absolute love and admiration and thankfulness for all God has created. The holiest of things. Maybe it would have been placed just after the Book of Psalms.

I will let the book rest for a while, but imagine it will come around again, on occasion, when I need another trip into the details from the creek.

The Flu Take 2 (We're going to Mexico)

2009-05-01T16:48:00.003-07:00

As it turns out, there are cases of the flu here in Phoenix, but not Rocky Point. It's gotta be safer down there. Also, check out these stats.

Killed by Car Accidents Highway fatalities account for more than 94% of all transportation deaths. There were an estimated 6,289,000 car accidents in the US in 1999. There were about 3.4 million injuries and 41,611 people killed in auto accidents in 1999. The total number of people killed in highway crashes in 2001 was 42,116, compared to 41,945 in 2000. An average of 114 people die each day in car crashes in the U.S. more... and 1999 pdf... [PDF Document - 2.5M]

Killed by the Common Flu

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that 35 to 50 million Americans come down with the flu during each flu season.The CDC estimates that in the US more than 100,000 people are hospitalized and more than 20,000 people die from the flu and its complications every year.

We'll probably go by train, or shuttle. Car's are dangerous.

Cute has a season too.

2009-04-29T17:08:00.006-07:00

I got this pic in an eMail today. I imagine about a week or so ago, this picture was cute as hell.

Let's get some bobJuan stuff on the table.

I'm gonna start honoring folks I know (of) who died as we go along. I've seen a bunch of death lately, and I've posted some here and there. Here's a few more:

Dorris Moore. The mother of my good friends Kevin, Ken and Don.
Ronald Earley. Friend of my friend Susan.
Jonathan. Nephew of my friend Susan
Van Washington. Husband of my friend Liz.

I give each of you my very best love and attention right now. You can come sit with me in the big chair, anytime.

OK, .next. I want to remind you one more time of my new favorite poet here. Check her out.

I just found out what soup to nuts really means here. It's way more fun saying it without really knowing what it means. Like cussing in spanish.

What would we do without birds?

I always feel good after
I feel bad
or is it before?

I don't care how everywhere it is
when my mom dies,
the world stops.

Whatever you think you're gonna die from
you won't be ready then either.

I'm on a death-roll I guess. Probably because I still have a bad case of gout in my left big-toe-foot and my Dr. says my liver-numbers are off the charts. I sure hope it's not too late for moderation!

I was thinking about a picture of my boy Eli I saw today, and realized, that kid can pull pleasure out of thin air! I love my boy.

That's it for this time. You know your bobJuan loves you.

Sunday Morning Recap

2009-04-26T07:51:00.002-07:00

I've coded my way out of
more than one paper bag.

If you want to relax,
first things first
quit thinking you need to do anything.

Every macro is just
another micro.

There are moments when
I would trade my life for my cat's
I'm having one now.
She's on the move,
like it was the very first time.
There's never anything wrong in her world.

Here it is,
love it or not.

To be human,
how nice.

A couple for my girl.

I run around 24 X 7
In and out of my mind
I look left & right
I do the 10 thousand things
and sometimes more.
Recently my doings have
settled down, way down
a little this and a little that
seems enough.
as long as I don't have to be
moderate about you.

What good is:
solution without problem
ocean w/o land
sky w/o cloud
taste w/o tongue
shade w/o sun
sound w/o ear
chicken w/o egg
nite w/o sleep
mother w/o child
nite w/o day
straight w/o curve
up w/o down
normal w/o crazy
purr w/o cat
pea w/o carrot
paper w/o ink
big w/o small
ice w/o water
or me w/o you.

[Picture found here.]

Wonderful

2009-04-24T16:50:00.006-07:00

you don't have to wait, if you're not going anywhere.

each time i see her walking to school i want to matriculate

don't ever pass up a chance to say something nice.

are you ready for the tap of death? the intimacy of dying time? por que no?

What the hell are flying colors? They told me I passed with them.

If the place isn't any good, it's not from a lack of investigation.

[Image found here.]

Chat Done.

2009-04-23T20:45:00.007-07:00

A little more clarity on my own clinical case. Really, I'm done with the buzz-kill posts! If you want more, you're gonna have to beg!

Depression For Me,

For me, I liked chemical imbalance
and a quick fix please and thank you.
I know, no booze with that, like everything else, no booze!

For me, I didn't want my life this way
Certainly I am more special than this.
The onslaught of injustices I must endure!

For me, I couldn't imagine being responsible for my happiness
Cute cliche and affirmation, be happy!
I am the president of Victims Are Us

For me, being unhappy is easy
I got the inside scoop on how bad everything is
I can show you what's wrong in a minute, every one of them.

For me, depression is selfishness
Things aren't good enough for me
I know better

For me, I'm exhausted
I've turned my nose up on God's creation for
the last time.

[Image found here.]

Depression

2009-04-22T16:54:00.003-07:00

I have been all over and under board with depression during the last 20 years or so. My wife, the most beautiful Catalina, could tell you way more than you want to know about my naked, sheetless dark nites. My Dr. used to call me an enema, no wait, an enigma. I have a young friend who deals with our subject matter on occasion. We're writing about it, he and I. During the last 10 years or so, I came to the conclusion that mine is brought about by a broken soul. I'm not living the life I really want to live. My soul is correcting me.... The correction is the depression, it is a call on the red-line, straight from my soul, screaming that shit is not working!!!#$!#$!@#! For me the pills were a way to ignore/medicate my soul, like Black Velvet and that slow southern smile. My soul would not have it. I have a very strong soul. We won't talk about how strong my mind or breath is. Anyway, depression is very personal, and the only productive time to talk about it, is when it is not in the room. Below is a poem I wrote over the past few nites, nudged on by my young friend, and my old friend Depression. Hey, not every post is a blast!

The sword makes one cut
one diamond edge
for days and weeks
it bleeds like two
blood is blade's work
creating this frozen moment
suffocating proof
of loves denial
Rejoice, your soul has removed the gold sword
of depression from its stainless sheath
and taken blue aim at your brown bullshit
one more time
Again I say rejoice and welcome your truth
lay naked and know you will breath again
when this cutting work is finished

[Pic found here.]

Hairs Cut

2009-04-20T12:47:00.004-07:00

I'm not gonna say anything else about it.

Well, maybe this.

Tonite's Love.

2009-04-19T17:58:00.005-07:00

Found some new favorite poetry here.

life:
is precious,
it's sooooo, not about me.

My face seems to be carrying more of my weight lately.

If you don't get that moms are moms
then never mind.
step moms, grandmas, all moms.

I'm not in a hurry,
I'm in love.
My understanding has led to my enjoying.

Many of us recognize the beginning of the end, on occasion.
Some of us have even seen the end of the beginning.

She took one look at his body and immediately became undry. He undried her.

Don't let her clothes fool you
she's fashionable thru and thru.

It's going to be a long day.bobJuan. June 21st, AnyYear, Cape Lisburne, Alaska.

Depression, my tortured soul music
like a sprout pushing through rocks for sun
a butterfly breaking free for flight
chick from egg for some scratch and sniff
yes i am this, not only, this am i yes
any partial attempt is fatal
you love it all or you don't love at all
my soul keeps reminding me
what I really want
it's so simple i can't believe it.
it must be more, it must be hard to attain
the way.
nope, just love bobJuan
bravery for the lovery is all it takesery.

A couple for my girl.

Before I begin another,
you my daylong poem
first and last
where I go for the goodstuff
everytime
how much rest for me
in your everything.

Lots to cover,
first things first, you and me, my sweetest poem.
[Picture found here.]

Red Checkered Table Cloth

2009-04-15T18:50:00.003-07:00

Florence and old friends
one recently and dearly departed
we fancy this was his idea
many gold threads weave this quilt
every untrue erased
all cups topped off
finishing and starting all over the place
the memory magicians thaw the
frozen stories of Then
Like 35 years just didn't exactly happen
not all have been cold and on hold however
Sons & Brothers stand before us
straight up
reminding us of our turn
love bleeding out loud
oh my father, how I loved you
how much we had
how much we didn't
Their mother, our mom
more beautiful and gracious than
any memory of any woman ever
All days long holding everyone up
Her all nights lasting all nights.
our tears
This shared taste of loss
sweetest pain we know
like cognac surrounded in bitter chocolate
we find our communal love inside, and it soothes
it warms enough, we can smile
The sons now our brothers
their wives sisters and
daughters our little girls
As for my two best friends
where do we go from here
now that there's a new bulb in the love light
I feel 1972 running through my blood
got my tight jeans on and ready to fry some tacos.
I'm ready to show others how too.

[Pic stolen from here.]

Old Pew

2009-04-15T17:31:00.003-07:00

I'm still flushing some goody out from the weekend in Colorado. On my way home Sunday (Easter Sunday) I was fortunate enough to be in and around the old places around Easter Service Time. I stopped in the church. Wrote this later in the day.

I sat in the back
old pew
the Baptist Hymnals are gone
organ too
never mind what they do there now, or how
I had my arms around us all
both of um, left and right
40 years later
I wanted to sit in every one
like we used to
in memory of us.

[Pic stolen from here.]

Breakfast Then & Now

2009-04-13T17:27:00.010-07:00

Eric Miller, your bobJuan, and William Andrew Hornbaker Junior. In case you didn't know, Andy is the namesake of my second most favorite daughter.

I'm not even gonna get started on all of this 2nite. Let's just say these two guys are the magical memory makers of the last days and years of the 60s. There's a saying, If you remember the 60s, you weren't there. That may be true for many, but these two guys were there. I remember at least that much, and they remember everything else.

We picked up right where we left off so many years ago. Right at the junction between boy and man. In this picture, you can see the tip of the iceberg of 3 long awaited smiles.

Another chance to see how then makes now so damn good.

Happy Easter

2009-04-09T15:47:00.005-07:00

I'm on my way to Colorado to celebrate the life of a life-long friend, Howard Glen. I'll bring back some pictures and stories.

My best, your bobJuan.

Daily Purge

2009-04-07T06:39:00.003-07:00

Here's a funny I got from my friend Malcom yesterday:

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What's your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing!" How old are you?"
"Thirty-four" she replied.

Now a couple from your bobJuan.

My goodness,
you look good
going & coming.

One of the problems with a haircut is
it doesn't keep.
Like a perm, every few months you need another.

Ask yourself what you want, until you know,
then go get it.
don't keep doing what you don't want to do,
that's clearly not the way.

Are you going to keep pretending this is not it?

Step into the now.

The sweetest thing I can do
is not think.
Funnest too.

No one thinks like I do
or as much probably
most have better things to do

than stew.

It's right now isn't it?
this
No sense looking elsewhere,
foolishness defined and repeated
My goodness, I love this
simple now, keep up.

All for now, my best, your bobJuan.

There is room on my chair.

2009-04-05T19:16:00.002-07:00

I have been talking to the dead and almost dead lately. I am on a mission to give them a place to come and rest. It started with Rachel last week. She has been dead for 2 weeks now. I imagine her visiting her loved ones and not finding a place where it is quiet, where people are still, and calm. So many of us have the TV on. So many of us do not ever sit quiet. I bet she could use a break.

you can sit here with me, come on
we can be quiet together, come on
help me remember what we are all doing here
you can sit here with me
i am brave enough to sit here with you
if you want to, i'll sit with you
i will do my best to sit quietly with you
we'll rest together
it's funny, i'm trying to squeeze you into this chair with me. i keep moving over
if you need a place to rest, i'm here

Last nite I was talking to Howard, who is not yet dead, they say he is close. I was telling him it is OK to let go, to die; he could come and sit with me for a spell. I was coaxing him to die already. Let it go Howard, everyone is ready. Your body is done. Come on over here and rest with me, away from the pain. I hope he can hear me across the miles to Colorado.

For both of them I imagine I can offer some peace for a minute or so, at least, maybe more if I work at it. I can sit with you right here, quietly, and let you be who you are outside all of this. I sit in my big chair. There is room for two in the big tan chair with the wooby on it. I move as far over to the left as I can, to give you room. This chair is my power spot; I sit here in the mornings and read, and am quiet most days. There is love in the silence. We can love everything together from here, all of it. On this side we can smile at the whole story.

Last nite I knew I could do this. I practice quiet. This afternoon I took a break on my porch and practiced nothing for a few minutes. It takes practice. It takes a lot of effort to do nothing, courage and love. I thought of Rachel, Howard, and my love for them. I can be at peace; I do it every day, better and better. I practice peace and want to share it with those who could use a bunch of it. I practice peace and love for all of us.

I do not know anything about where we go after we die. I do not really care about the details. It seems unknowable. I do sense that we are more than our bodies and this life. Rachel, Steve, Grandma, Aunt Mary, Doug, Julia, Michelle, they all feel real to me still. How real do they have to be, really, what is life?

I know my feelings are enough. You can all sit with me anytime. We are so precious here in the big chair together.

Around the time of death there is so much energy to be shared and felt. Last week I visited the gravesite of Michelle. She has been gone for years now. I did not find her there as I used to. She has moved on. The Tibetans describe a period after death, is it 7 or 14 days or so? There are energetic possibilities during this time they say. I want to be a part of that for everyone I know and love. If you should get there before me, you can find me in my chair, most nites and mornings, waiting for you. I'll be looking for you, eyes wide open, brave as a lion.

p.s. Howard died last nite.

[Image stolen from here.]

Pointlessness

2009-04-04T06:59:00.005-07:00

First, some bobJuan blubber.

They can easily sense where his truth lies (you know how truth lies).

It seems like I'm wasting a lot of time lately, reading and writing. But truth is, I've been preparing for this a long time.

Smile until you get it right.

Oh, I see the pointlessness of it all now.
Each time I forget how pointless it all is, I get lost.
Once pointlessness is fully realized, you can love recklessly,
let it off the leash!
What you want is great by me, let's do it.

My goodness, I just assumed you were taken.

You can think better, you know you can.

I'm more interested in what's going on outside of my mind these days. I think I already thought everything I'm going to anyway, it seems like I'm repeating myself.
I can sense that if I just took the universe as it is, without processing it like I always do, I might explode, realizing that I am it.

Now a little short story:

Some of you already know I swore off going to the doctor a couple of years ago. It happened after I spent more than an hour on the phone with my Dr.s Office, Walgreens and my Insurance company trying to get a prescription for lipitor or something. I was like, it just shouldn't be so hard for me to get the drug my Dr. wants me to have. About that time I was also constantly being reminded of my blood pressure, my weight, BMI, blood sugar, all these numbers of mine were not in the good zone, am i these numbers? So many obsessions. I just quit. I hearkened back to a time when we didn't have all this; we died at a ripe old age of 40 or 50 or 60 or even 70 years of whatever was ailing us and our age. What's so damn wrong with that? There is no shame in dying the old fashion way, people have been doing it for a long long long time.

So, this week I have an annoying case of gout going on in my big toe. I've been trying the natural remedies, eating lots of the right fruits, etc. I aint gonna quit drinking coffee in the morning and booze at nite, at least not yet. Yesterday it was getting pretty bad so I decided to get some of the medicine my Dr. used to prescribe, indomethacin. I called my old Dr, cuz he's quick with the script. His nurse calls me back and says, Bob, where you been? We haven't seen you since 19,2007? What are you doing out there? You trying to make it on your own, without us? I pictured them thinking I was some rogue human who dared to turn his back on their profession, the way, risking my own demise, like some village idiot.

From some real people:

If it's not paradoxical, it's not true. Shunryu Suzuki.

[Image stolen from here.]

Yummy

2009-03-31T19:56:00.003-07:00

Some late nite bwi:

Poetry
of kindness
of emptiness
not me
where love goes
before i was here
exhaustion leads me back
to now
there is nowhere to go
nothing to become
nothing at all
drop the charade of unhappy

negative = dual = positive
get over it
all of it.

you know your bobJuan loves you.

[Picture stolen from here.]

Mix It Up

2009-03-31T04:35:00.002-07:00

Some bobJuan goodies first.

relax is not something that just happens to you.
stress is all self-made.

All the masters are smiling,
what's up with that?

For my girl:
Why do I ever ever ever
take my eyes off you
or come up with another scheme
than you?
you, my only refreshment
proof of love, goodness and truality
my next move is you.

Magical is here already, pay attention.

There is nothing about the status quo
I would recommend.

Some more Rachel. what did her eyes have
don't talk yourself out of being with her
what was the magic in your eyes
i'm certainly not the only one
you can sit here with me, come on
we can be quiet together, come on
help me remember what we are all doing here
you can sit here with me
i am brave enough to sit here with you
if you want to, i'll sit with you
i will do my best to sit quietly with you
we'll rest together
it's funny, i'm trying to squeeze you into this chair with me. i keep moving over
if you need a place to rest, i'm here

unhappiness is the most selfish thing.

you can't make money out of thin air,
but you can make love that way, happiness too.

how much bravery does it take to be happy?
to resist the laziness of whining.

His kids were named Always & Forever
you could hear him call them both at times
Always & Forever! It's time for dinner!

Mix it up
you can always do what you always do.

When did I stop skateboarding?
Why?

I'm always quoting me.

Unhappiness is the grossest form of selfishness
for somehow you think you know better than
what is.

I think we are doing marvelously well given
the complete absence of any real leadership.

And now some real people.

The fragrance always remains on the hand that gives the rose. Mahatma Gandhi.

Simple people see God as if He stood on that side and we on this side. God and I are one in the act of perceiving Him. Meister Eckhart.

We can not live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men. Herman Melville.

Until next time, your bobJuan.

[Picture found here.]

Rachel

2009-03-28T16:48:00.009-07:00

I was with you under the blessed ocotillos this morning
between crosses and beloveds in God's house
kneeling and holding hands with us all
loving and missing you
praying to God for you
A sea of brown love
El Mar de Amor de cafe
your heart in every pew
our eyes misting in your love
you our sweet tender and most recent reminder
kindness doesn't wait
are we ever more than delicate
any of us?

Latin love soul music black dressed and studded playing your Salsa.
The Father loves and blesses us all on account of you
in God's favorite tongue, espaňol.

The dove story was not for my ears
my eyes and heart caught them
their beauty reminding me of you, us
how beauty does
the lone dove took wing and
tears pricked my eyes again
Did she find the others?
they waited for her
We don't know much, except beauty, today, yours.

This precious human life
momentary
The moments we had with you grip our hearts
We say goodbye to you here,
and hold you closer than ever

I see your smile, on the line.
your gracefulness, intelligence, beauty
greeting me
I will never forget
nunca te olvidare
I would kiss you more.

Relax

2009-03-26T06:19:00.005-07:00

First some from your bobJuan.

You know the point,
get back to it a couple of times today.

As long as you confuse money with wealth
you'll never have enough of either.

Though excused of many crimes
he was conflicted of only a few.

Don't forget the thing you are here to do first
love

Ever since I missed your call
All I hear is my phone ringing.

When is the last time you did something crazy?

I've prepared enough
let's do it.

And now from some real people.

Well, if you want to call Anonymous a real person, here's one:

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.

The following all came from Annie Dillard's Pilgrim At Tinker Creek.

As soon as you can forget the naturally obvious and construct an artificial obvious, then you too will see deer. A quote she made from Steward Edward White.

Donald E. Carr points out that the sense impressions of one-celled animals are not edited for the brain: "This is philosophically interesting in a rather mournful way, since it means that only the simplest of animals perceive the universe as it is".

If I thought he could teach me to find it and keep it forever I would stagger barefoot across a hundred deserts after any lunatic at all.

I had been my whole life a bell, and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck.

That's it for this time. remember your bobJuan loves you. [Image found here.]

On The Road (Jack Kerouac)

2009-03-23T14:20:00.003-07:00

My writing professor Jed, from Phoenix College recommend this book to me. I read it on assignment. In the meantime, my friend Lucky got me a copy of Lonesome Traveler which I have not yet cracked. The legend is he just pretty much sat down and wrote this book on a long piece of paper. I am ready for some more Kerouac, beatpoet.

At first I thought perhaps the story behind the book was more fascinating than the one in the book. I had another think coming. Raw alive and now, young men on the road, penniless, perhaps Eckart Tolle was a driver in one of those buses or taxis cruising through the now, eyes wide open free from anything common, where everything happens at least every other day.

I think we all long for radical freedom, like Janice Joplin, just another word for nothing left to loose. Sometimes my soul doesn't want to pay the price to have so much to loose. Jack took me on a ride, across life back and forth a few times, fast too.

Another piece of American literature I missed out on by not going to college! I'm catching up, one classic at a time baby.

This

2009-03-23T07:42:00.003-07:00

Just some catching up today.

There is nothing wrong with this.
I will meet you outside of your mind
in the Storyteller lounge.
The distance between you and what you want is equal to your resistance or acceptance of this. This is love.

The next moment isn't gonna do it either.
It's only right now.

How did we screw this up so bad that
it's easier to buy a gun than a bag of pot.
it's legal to buy a gun, and not pot.

Ahhhh, summer,
we'll be seeing a lot more of you
nice.

Stop resisting this.

When I met you,
we were young,
I didn't know how beautiful you are were would be.

Unclimbing the mountain
is my favorite part,
it reminds me of
undriving to work.
Unbeing sober is fun too.

From some real people:

Everything happened. Jack Kerouac.

To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. George Santayana

[The pic. Beatrice is 22. Found here.]

Love is all you need.

2009-03-13T05:16:00.004-07:00

Just some more bobJuan stuff for you.

Forget that you are real
for just a minute.
While you're at it
forget those limitations too.

When I remember that I am here for you
as much or more as I am for me,
things get way more interesting.
How can I help?

"you're" not in traffic
you "are" traffic to everyone else.

the closer I am to here,
the further I am from fear.

When you got my girl on the phone
you are being blessed
by an Angel
don't rush, not this.

I cannot imagine how lazy I would be without you.
Yes I can. Not the way I want to go.

I don't get the fuss about money.
We know where it is,
we know how to get some more,
relax.

My job is not the only thing in my life
it's not the most important either.

Think about it,
and tell it different.

[Image stolen from here.]

A Prayer For Owen Meany

2009-03-09T15:49:00.004-07:00

617 pages of OWEN as told by Irving. In some ways, it does not get any better than this. I have to thank my friend Ken for the recommendation. After I told him about Garp he told me there was more, and better Irving. I'm glad there's no real picture of OWEN MEANY on the internet. Actors from plays I imagine, is what I see. The image of OWEN that Irvin gave me is the one I want.

Here Mr. Irving takes all the time in the world to tell the stories of OWEN. And again I remember to take my time, we are nothing without our stories.

A story full of lives and life. The side and supporting characters are developed just enough that Mr. Irving can bring them back in at the most wonderful time to have all the fun with them he wants, and he does, bringing a smile to my face at his grace. My goodness OWEN, everyone who knows you believes in prayer.

A long read. Worth it. Next up from Irving: Cider House Rules, A Widow For One Year, and The 158 Pound Marriage. My next book though is Jack Kerouac, On The Road.

Notes & Numbers

2009-03-05T06:28:00.004-07:00

The picture above are my notes from a 3 hour mandatory all-hands-on quarterly meeting yesterday at work. It can be correctly viewed from all 4 directions.

Today is the 5th of the month. I encourage you to go on over to Singleton Moms and make your monthly $5.00 donation. Again, every one of us doing this one little thing, each month, makes a mighty fine difference in some mom's lives. Yes it does.

Tomorrow is the 6th of March. It's been a year since I've had a cigarette. I feel mighty fine myself. If I can do it, anyone can.

Here are some other goodies:

We have to understand that the world can only be grasped by action, not by contemplation. The hand is more important than the eye... The hand is the cutting edge of the mind. Jacob Bronowski.

I've continued to recognize the power individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I've learned that the resources we need to turn our dreams into reality are within us, merely waiting for the day when we decide to wake up and claim our birthright. --Anthony Robbins

It is best to be yourself,
imperial, plain and true. Robert Browning

Some from your bobJuan:

if the story ain't good, i stop telling it right away i stop it in its tracks.

I'll meet you in the soul lounge.

where is the crowd that keeps up? my people?

how serious do you have to be
to live well?
i want to thank the rest of you
for holding it all together.

Until next time. My best.

Seriously

2009-03-02T17:43:00.002-07:00

Here's some stuff that's waiting to get posted.

Show me an example of serious
that I might want.
It's play time.

I am a connoisseur of the now
of what's in front of me.

I am happy for all of us,
it's one of the things I do for you.

Sometimes I like to let my love off the leash.
Unstructured love.

Everything you know about me
is your story, not mine.

There are lots of doorways,
my wife is one of my favorites.

Those who have seen
are filled with compassion,
not judgement
our condition is the same
we are all peeling the same onion

I've seen suffering,
it's not for me.

I've added lots of new words to my custom.dic.

the difference between I get it and I'm getting it. that's what I'm talking about.

And now, from some real people:

When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. --Audrey Lorde

Lovely snowflakes,
they fall nowhere else! Zen Saying

The seeing have the world in common. Herakleitos

Pine trees and strange rocks remain unknown to those who look for mind with mind. Shih-Wu

Until next time. your bobJuan. [Image stolen from here.]

Thanks For Your Support

2009-02-28T06:26:00.002-07:00

We had a great time and much fun and big success at the 2nd Annual Walk for Singleton Moms last Saturday. Cathy and I want to thank each of you for your support. We raised over $1600 thanks to you. The numbers aren't official yet but Singleton Moms doubled their profits from last year.

Seize the Moment

2009-02-19T07:07:00.004-07:00

Imran is 71 years old. Picture found here, you know, one of my favorite places on the internet.

Imran reminds me not to wait. Here's some of the latest from your bobJuan.

Here's a question I have for Microsoft, regarding Office 97. For the 1 of you who follow this blog you may remember this posting from May of last year.

Why didn't we just stop with faster
Why'd we try and make it better too?

My problem with coming in early is I love the mornings.
I love them afternoons too.

Nothing is as special as this.

boy, oh boy,
this damn moment.

leave the victim story, and come on home

I've seen things and been places.
I prefer it here with you.

I've prepared for happiness enough. (inspired by the quote below from Andre).

And from a real person:

Seize from the moment its unique novelty, and do not prepare your joys. Andre Gide.

See anyone you know?

2009-02-15T07:22:00.002-07:00

There are so many interesting and beautiful faces in this picture. From Tibet. Reminds me again, of how we're all in this together. Here's some of the latest from you bobJuan:

my house just made a new sound.

if you didnt' have your tv
how would you know how bad things are?
it's very very good here for me.

-or- stop listening to what is being said about what is happening
pay attention for yourself.
what do you see?

job # 1: get ready to die
job #2: live it up.

Happiness is not circumstantial.

The less I do,
the fewer mistakes I make

And finally, from a real person:
It is best to be yourself,
imperial, plain and true. Robert Browning

Picture stolen from here.

And the end of it... from me Anway

2009-02-11T16:56:00.006-07:00

Here's the end of what I had for the wedding. This was some sweet stuff I was playing with.

She's not the only one, and she's not everyone, but she is the best one, morning, noon and nite!

i'd do it again
with all of you and
more wine
the celebration is now
this is the time

on her wedding day
she gave all of herself
she knew this was one of those times
she would give like never before
before the nite was over
she had married us all

Michelle Was There on Saturday

2009-02-11T16:49:00.002-07:00

She is helping Ashley with her hair. There is more than an hour till the ceremony. They are more beautiful than tears. Anyone who saw them right now would never again search for a reason to love a woman. More than a wedding is going on here. They touch as they help each other with the fuss. It is no accident; it is more on purpose than anything they have ever done together. No hug could ever do this, at least not before today. Girls know how to sit with each other, wedding and mirror or not. These two are hardly more than one right now. Yet it is the two of them, and everyone who knows anything understands. They have been together since the day Ashley was born. They share a love that is before even then. The love spills softly over and around them this afternoon like snowflakes. You know how snowflakes are.

Ashley's heart feels bigger than ever, like a woman's heart, perhaps like her mom would feel sitting here with Andy, not wanting to be anywhere else. Hoping this does not go by too fast, for there is so much to love right now. The stillness of the room seems to hold it all together. Ashley remembers the crazy love between Andy and her mom. A bigger than life elephant in the room and everyone knows it kind of love. It was more than that. She knows in some ways Andy is the closest thing she has to her Mom, a lifelong royal-blue thread she can count on. She is clear today about what she is doing. She is standing up for her Mom and Andy. It is who she is right now. All the other stuff that is only Ashley will wait for later. She will leave some of it forever behind too. Today she is happy to be about a love that was waiting for her the day she was born. Today, what is before makes everything bigger from now on. Today, Ashley is a woman in a tradition of beautiful women.

Andy finds her love for Michelle again in doing something about it. Today it is loving Ashley. She was younger than Ashley when this whole thing started. Yes, it's Andy's wedding day, but Andy is happiest when her love is in motion. Each perfect day she has ever had included a love for all her life. Especially those close to her. Since Michelle left, she has had a sadness about her not being here to enjoy this day, or her kids. To have Michelle here right now would be at least divine. Knowing how her mind works, she chooses to be full of the Michelle that is here now in Ashley. She breathes in every bit of Michelle she can. More than ever she knows, Michelle has never left her side.

They sit together like sisters or more
Eyes that do not hide anything tonite
There is more than just the two of them here
As Andy has always hoped
Michelle brought Ashley to her wedding.
And now, Ashley brings Michelle.

More Wedding Notes

2009-02-10T05:54:00.002-07:00

I've moved some of my favorites to the web. Click on the picture to get over to the album.

Here's the bobJuan's Toast from Saturday Nite.

You all know my favorite son Eli. Let me introduce you to my newest son Ryan.

As you go to bed each nite
hold each other tight
no clothes in sight
would be all right
let your troubles go each day
get under them covers and play

- OR -

you know you're getting it right
when you're still finding new places to go
under the covers at night

I'm happy that my fantasies about marriage didn't come true.
the real thing has turned out way better.

Here are some more things I figured out all on my own along the way:

· movie love is not
· jealousy is for teenagers
· we're all in this together
· women are different than men, thankfully
· i'd rather be happy than right
· it keeps getting better
· and it gets better on purpose
· i am responsible for how good this goes
· what needs changing the most is my attitude

the further i get down my own path
the closer it gets to yours.

Until recently, more or less, she's been my girl. day and nite, year in, year out. She's come close to leaving me before, and I knew it would come to pass one day, all the way. I miss her already. Ryan, it's your turn man. Sit on the patio at nite and enjoy this beautiful woman as often as you can. First, tell her about what you got going on, and then let her tell you about her day. Eat something delicious, drink something marvelous, and talk about the things you love out loud. She can show you how if you need a little help. She showed me more than a time or two. Did I say I miss her already?

She did it!

2009-02-09T07:51:00.005-07:00

We had a superb day on Saturday. The weather forecast was perfectly wrong. You can see in this picture some of the beautiful things going on.

I'm still looking for where we will put "all" of the pictures we want to share. Stay tuned.

Andy and Ryan asked me to perform (do) the ceremony. For weeks I worked on what I would say. Wanting to say only what I knew and felt, not just what I thought about marriage. Tough challenge. I fell even more deeply in love with my Cathy as part of the process. For that I am grateful to have had the chance. Plus, I knew when they asked me, I would only give my best for them. As the son of a baptist preacher I had to work out all the "preaching" with Cathy's help. And keep it to 5 or so minutes. I deleted some good stuff! Here it is for those of you who are interested.

Dearly beloved, we gather here today to celebrate the hopes, commitments, dreams and marriage of Ryan and Andy.

We bring our wishes for happiness as we promise them our hearts as well.
We commit to help thru the tough times and be thankful for the easier ones
To remind them when troubles come, they also go.
Love stays for the coming and the going.
To befriend not only each of them, but both of them and forever also will we see them as one inspiring love.
Today is the day we celebrate our love for each other too.

Our family gets bigger and better today.

And now, the love of two.

To prepare for tonite, I asked myself the following kinds of questions. I recommend you try it sometime.

What does it mean to be married, for two people to settle in with each other like this? What does it mean to say I love you? What does it mean to be happily married? And what is a perfect marriage anyway? Why do we do it? What is the payoff? Why do we stay?

For those of you who are interested, you should know there are some experts in the field here tonite. I recommend you speak with Charles & June, Jim & Terri, and my wife Cathy if you have any questions about what it means to love forever, and big. They are the inspiration behind much of what I have to say, and why I am more happily married than ever.

Here are some answers I found in my own heart. It is best to experience these things yourself, for words are so very inadequate. However, we will try together tonite, for the sake of Andy and Ryan and this blessed occasion.

In silence I found my love
for in silence I asked my real questions
and I heard the answers
no one who approaches love, God or silence
with an open heart
comes away unchanged
there's nothing left for me now, but to love

We have come to learn
love is bigger than one, it takes at least two
life is not lived alone
we need each other
and we need a container that holds more than one for our love
There is no use resisting this love
what else you gonna do?
Ask anyone who knows, love is all you need.

Your family, children, and close friends will do
the chances you need
are here with them
for it to be any good or fun at all
let them contain your love
for God is love and God wants only love for us
you know all good things come from God, ask anyone who knows
love them up and
love them big

Marriage is the mother of all containers,
don't you know
for here you show up by choice and
you make it from scratch

you cannot quit being a mother, a sister, or a father
but you can quit being married, and you can run

so marriage is where the big dicey spicy fun comes in
After all, here you take your clothes off
your faults, altitudes, habits and belly are exposed
almost every day if you're lucky
leaving you vulnerable
and available
for the big love we all have
the sweetest intimacy
you are here for the sake of love
not of blood

love is awake, and raw, or nothing at all
it's in the kitchen, the garden, at school,
and the bedroom too
when you get bored take a walk in a park
ask God to remind you about the good stuff
then call your mom, for she knows too

love is like the wind
it is real when its moving
when its more than just a word
it can turn you around sometimes
and back again
if you're lucky
may you be brave enough to be so lucky

marriage is love is commitment
to marry is to take hold of the juicy power of big love
you don't have this because you are pretty
or lucky
we're not talking about movie love here
it lasts forever because
it is not dependent upon circumstances
or your body
it does not wait
it always occurs now
it comes from within
not without
it has nothing to do with what others are doing
love is not something you have
it is something you do

love is fun if it's not, you're not doing it right
you are thinking too small
perhaps about yourself again
you enjoy your baby, and your world as they are
not as you think they should be
they are usually better
than our ideas about them anyway
don't you agree?
get a second opinion if need be
just watch um
keep up
pay attention,
you can feel their wind in your hair
you can remember why all this got started
let it start again, every day.

love is like bread
make some fresh every day
and use lots of butter and jelly too
may you share some of that warm stuff
all the way in every way

love is like a snowflake
each one is different
you would not dare consider
changing a single one
may you celebrate one another
like no other
my goodness, may we all

and so then, in marriage, you can perfect yourself
as a lover of life
and therefore as a human being
For God made us to love,
and what he made us for is perfect
You can love big here, because it is up to you
how big you love
There are no limits on love
Let love remind you of how important you are
for it takes you too to make two

And so Andy & Ryan,
As you make your promises and vows to each other now, may you remember always that everyone here tonite promises to support, honor and cherish your eternal love for each other too.

[vows]

In the greatest of wedding traditions, I am honored to introduce to you Ryan and Andy as husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride.

Big Day In Sight

2009-02-05T06:09:00.007-07:00

Andy and Ryan are getting closer by the minute now to their wedding day. Saturday at 4:00PM. There's hardly any time to stop it. We will have pictures and blog posts next week, celebrating the occasion....

A couple of other things. First, today is the 5th of the Month. Please do not forget to donate your $5.00 this month to Singleton Moms here. Cathy and I just did. I don't need to remind you how easy it is for a bunch of us to give just a little and make some very special women's lives way mo-better. Also, if you're in Phoenix, why don't you register for, or at least show up at the walk on the 21st of February. Short of that you can always donate large sums of $$ to our Walk Page.

And now a little bobJuan stuff:

when we got the receipt, it seemed a bit high
sure enough, they were charging $12.00 for a glass of wine
when our server came around again
i asked if perhaps there was a mistake
she said, no, it was a Robert Mondavi
I'm like, hell is he here?

A few things Morrie taught me.

death not rhymeless or poemless
many have and so will i
might not be next or last
between now and then
the good stuff
now I can
not sure about then
the summation and declaration
of how crazy I loved
of how fearless I loved

If who you are is what you can do, you don't want to get old
you'll soon be nothing at all.

If who you are is only about you, the day will come
when you is all you have
when you'll be alone

One minute I’m enjoying the ride home, hair flying in the wind, next I’m as gone as summer. Time’s up, put your pencils down. You just got kicked off the island

Where We Come From

2009-01-30T05:41:00.002-07:00

This is a picture of my dad, standing in front of the house he was born in. In fact, him and all his siblings were born there as I recall. Egypt, Georgia. The sticks. Obviously, in a Zen kinda way, I was born there too.

Here's some of the latest from your bobJuan:

if you can't be happy with the money you have
why would you want more?

all my troubles end as soon as i love everything exactly as it is

i get tired when i forget that nothing is happening to me

the drink moves wildly within it's own boundaries
-or-
the drink moves wildly within very tight limits.

we are all peeling the same onion.

And a little funny:

I ate an entire bag of one of the earliest bags of dorito chips ever made
not long afterwards i was into entire packages of oreo cookies
lately it's ruffles with ridges original or cheetos, face first
You never forget your first bag of chips
i don't think i even knew i was eating chips until the possibility of running out occurred to me
not long after that i heard the police cars
with cheetos, a napkin or a finger-lick is not enough. of all the non-foods, they're my favorites.

And from some real people now:

before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available. - jim beggs

We must agree on what matters: kissing in public places,
bacon sandwiches, disagreement, cutting-edge fusion,
literature, generosity, water, a more equitable distribution of
the world's resources, movies, music, freedom of thought,
beauty, love. - Salman Rushdie

Until next time. your bobJuan.

The Show Is On!

2009-01-28T17:10:00.004-07:00

Click on this picture of the beautiful, lovely Michelle to see the Nascar Angels Reveal Show!

It's easier than you think

2009-01-27T05:47:00.006-07:00

First, some Rumi.
The Silk Worm.
I stood before a silk worm one day. And that night my heart said to me, "I can do things like that, I can spin skies, I can be woven into love that can bring warmth to people; I can be soft against a crying face, I can be wings that lift, and I can travel on my thousand feet throughout the earth, my sacs filled with the sacred." And I replied to my heart, "Dear, can you really do all those things?" And it just nodded "Yes" in silence. So we began and will never cease.

And, now some John Tarrant.
Meditation is a willingness to do nothing,
to not flinch from what is happening,
to not think what you have always been thinking
and to not give the answers you've rehearsed
but that are already becoming inert.

In this very breath that we take now lies the secret that all great teachers try to tell us.
Peter Matthiessen

And, now some bobJuan.

Why does anyone ever use the word
little?

your resistance is the problem
when this makes you cry, call me
and we'll talk about freedom

it's not that big of a deal
that's the hard part.

You don't need to wait for the good life
look around, life is good.

[Image stolen from here.]

The World According To Garp

2009-01-19T16:03:00.007-07:00

Just finished this 688 page novel this afternoon. My instructor Jed from Phoenix College spoke highly of the book. Of course I listen to just about anyone these days when it comes to literature, even college professors. I'm so lucky to be the new kid on the block, and like a kid in the candy isle. There's so much good stuff most of ya'll already know about, and I'm the luckiest late comer I know. I will not take English 101 or 102 ever again. I also will not chew gum in class.

I've been asking Cathy to hold off on watching the movie (again). It's been a while since I've seen it, which means it will be new to me again. There's no way that movie has this book covered unless it is 8 hours long. Tonite, popcorn and a movie. I can't wait to see Helen and Ellen. I remember Roberta, and just a little of Garp, and a bit more of Jenny.

John is so full of stories he has Garp writing them for him. Maybe one of the reasons the book is so big! I'd like to get even one story out in the open, this guy can get 4 or more told in one spin cycle. It's a long book, and I was happy to finish the last "other" story and come to the end of the Garp story. Only because it had to end, not because I wanted it to. I still feel each of those characters in my mind and heart this evening. John nailed um for me. Can I write like that someday? Hope so.

There's a bunch of sex here. Not raw, and for me, only barely explicit. I'd like to write about sex, beats talking about it. After all these years of reading Zen Buddhism it's a nice treat to remember we're human and like to get it on now and again, and again in this story! If we were all to tell what we did in our 20s, 30s, hmmm, or is that yummmm. We'd have to change the names though huh.

I will not compare John to anything else I've read. I will say that for easily most of the time he had me. His style and stories are so good that even the tangents are wonderful. I'm not in a hurry, and enjoy any story told well. My goodness, my friend Ken says there's better John Irving waiting for me.

I'm again blessed by another storyteller. Convinced that I will join the circle of goofballs that live to write! Or is that wingnuts?

We're All In This Together

2009-01-17T17:13:00.005-07:00

First some bobJuan stuff.

i don't need a period at the end of every sentence

when she called me a main-frame programmer, i knew our chances for romance were dashed.

IT Management Quiz: When was the last time you spent a day doing what you had planned?

sometimes i really do think i'm the last one to get here, to wake up. everyone else is always right here as soon as I get back.

Can I enjoy something beautiful without having to have it

My clarity is precarious, and most likely unnecessarious.

And now, more than one line:

The muffin man rides a harley.
he is generous to a fault.
he lives next door all nite long.
his left nipple is pierced forever.
he knows the blueberry twins
they are the game changers.
they are here with me now. shall we begin?
lets begin with remembering that it's all a story.
i'll wait for you to catch up.
Until the story sets you free, I'll wait.

And from some real people:

I challenge you to make your life a masterpiece. I challenge you to join the ranks of those people who live what they teach, who walk their talk. --Tony Robbins

If I had my way, I would introduce everyone in the whole world to each other. --Jim Haynes

Friday I tasted life. It was a vast morsel. A Circus passed the house - still I feel the red in my mind though the drums are out. The Lawn is full of south and the odors tangle, and I hear today for the first time the river in the tree. Emily Dickinson

You know, your bobJuan loves you.

pic stolen from here.